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Box Lunch: The Layperson's Guide to Cunnilingus

Box Lunch: The Layperson's Guide to Cunnilingus

The very first book I ever wrote was a cute, quirky little guide to oral sex called Box Lunch: The Layperson's Guide to Cunnilingus. It's fun, funny, and fully illustrated by the amazing Colleen Coover. Today it came out on Amazon Kindle! Now instead of paying 15 bucks for the paperback you can download the whole book as an ebook for $4.99.

To celebrate, here's a preview of the first chapter.

A Guided Tour of the Pleasure Palace

A woman’s genitals are as unique in appearance as her face. Pussies come in so many shapes and sizes you can hardly recognize one from the next. While we’ve all got pretty much the same basic parts, the design on each model is totally different. It’s important to know where all the roads lead if you want to get to your destination.

When was the last time you took a good long look at your puss? Can you find your G spot? Do you know where your clitoral cruras are? Seriously. Even if you’re a vagina master, I’ll bet you can’t name all the parts of the clitoris! (Hint: What we routinely call our clit is really just the tip of the iceberg.) If you understand where everything is and what each part does, you’ll have a greater mastery of your sexual response.

Lesbians get up close and personal with real vulvas in all of their real beauty and imperfection, but many straight women only see other women’s vulvas in porn. And worse than that, some women feel insecure about their own pussies because they don’t look like the ones in Playboy.

Tip: Pussies are like snowflakes; each one is unique

Well, let me just set the record straight. No one’s pussy looks Playboy in real life. Trust me. I’m a pornographer. The pussies you see in magazines like Hustler and Playboy have been pinkened, smoothed, shrunk, moved, glazed, and otherwise altered in Photoshop until they look nothing like the way they started out.

Not only are porn stars and Playboy models Photoshopped, but porn snatch starts out different from yours and mine to begin with. Porn actresses make their living selling a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with the fantasy they sell, but it’s important to understand that it isn’t real. Porn actresses spend lots of money to look the way they do. They get Brazilian waxes. They get laser hair removal. They get laser vaginoplasty, or laser vaginal rejuvenation to make their pussies look pink and perfect all over. They also get labiaplasty—a process in which the labia are trimmed to specification. Hello! They get their assholes bleached. Porn cunts are totally engineered.

Your average cunt looks nothing like the private parts of a Hustler Honey. We’re all different. All gorgeous.

A few common surgical procedures performed on women’s genitals to make them look “perfect.”

Laser Reduction Labiaplasty: sculptures the elongated or unequal labial minora (small inner lips) according to one’s specification.

Laser Perineoplasty: rejuvenates the relaxed or aging perineum. It can also enhance the sagging labia majora (large outer lips) and labia minora to provide a more intact, tighter looking vulva.

Hymenoplasty (reconstruction of the hymen): reinstates the structural integrity of the hymen

Most of us refer to everything going on down there as the vagina. But technically, vagina refers just to you’re the actual muscular tube that things go in to and babies come out of. If you’re referring to the whole package then you are actually talking about the vulva. One thing to keep in mind when you are all up in your wife or girlfriend’s business is that there is more to the pink canoe than just the little man in the boat.

Let’s start with a guided tour. If you own your own pussy, you can follow along at home with a hand mirror. If you don’t have one of your own, feel free to use your lover’s. If you don’t have a girlfriend, go get a neighbor or something.

The pussy tour

First stop on the pussy tour is the mons, or mons veneris, which is Latin for Mound of Venus, also known as the mons pubis, or just “the mound.” It’s the fleshy, comfy, cushy area between your legs where your bush grows. It’s nicely padded to protect the pubic bone from impact during intercourse. It’s a very sexually sensitive spot, and while it’s not going to get anyone off, it’s full of nerve endings and lightly stroking your honey’s mound before going below will fill her with shivers of delight.

Next we have the inner and outer labia. These are two sets of lips that surround all the sensitive insides. The outer lips, called the labia majora, are fleshy, padded, and hairy. The inner lips, or labia minora, are slippery little buggers that have no hair follicles. Inner lips come in every shade, from carnation-pink to burgundy to dark chocolate. They are extremely sensitive, often uneven in size, and sometimes long enough to extend past the outer lips. When a woman is aroused, the inner lips fill with blood causing them to swell and turn darker. Many women love having their inner lips stimulated—and some enjoy it more than direct stimulation of the clit.

Tip: Whenever you see art in which the vagina is represented as an open blossom, the inner lips are the parts that get portrayed as petals.

Tip: Other objects often used to portray pussies: shells, peaches, figs, almonds, oysters

Now we come to everyone’s favorite magic bean, the clitoris, or “clit.” The clit is where a lot of the action happens. Think of it as similar to a penis, only with four times as many nerve endings. The part that most of us are referring to when we talk about our clits is actually just the head, or glans of our clits. The clitoris is a complex organ that pretty much extends throughout the entire genital region. Anytime you make your woman feel good by stimulating her vagina, her butthole, her lips, or anywhere else down there you’re also indirectly stimulating her clit. The clitoris is the only organ in the human body—that’s male or female—whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure.


Tip: The clitoris is a network nerve-rich organs consisting of: the hood, the clitoral glans, the clitoral shaft, the crura or legs of the clitoris, and the clitoral bulbs.

Until not too long ago, folks believed that the clit was just the visible tip. But now thanks to awesome books like Rebecca Chalker’s The Clitoral Truth, and A New View of a Woman’s Body by the Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers we know that it actually has all sorts of parts.

If you pull back the hood of the clit you will expose the glans or visible nub of the clit. For clarity throughout this book, when we discuss the clit we are referring to the glans or visible nub.

Tip: Clits grow twice their size during arousal. On average it takes 15 seconds for a clit to return to its normal size after orgasm

The clit has about 8,000 nerve endings—more than any other structure in the human body. It’s pretty much a different size and shape on every woman. If you’re a small-clitted gal, don’t sweat it! Sensitivity doesn’t correlate to size; no matter how big or small, they all do the same job. Figuring out how to get her off is just a matter of figuring out how she likes her bits fiddled. Big clits are showy and fun. I know a girl whose clit is so large her lovers can jerk it off like a cock. Small, cute clits can be extra sensitive requiring light feathery tongue licks—or not. You’ll have to poke around and figure it out.

Pay close attention to the clit. It’s extremely sensitive and stimulation of this baby is essential to most women’s orgasms. It’s going to be the focus of quite a bit of your oral effort.