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Bette and Tina, rendered pants-optional-home-officeless by their construction project, have set up shop at The Planet where they sit side-by-side, wheeling and dealing on the phone. Tina ends her call and announces to the group, including Alice, the news that Jenny has just sold her latest screenplay for a cool half million. The problem? Jenny has blatantly ripped off Alice’s script treatment storyline. You know, the one Jenny called “boring and unsellable”? Ah. Nothing like a steaming cup of betrayal to start off this show!

Alice storms off, arriving at Chez Crazy Bitch where she calls Jenny out on stealing her idea. The Schecter half-heartedly denies this accusation, but admits that “this sort of thing happens all the time in Hollywood,” adding for good measure that it takes “real talent” to turn a crazy mess of ideas like Alice’s treatment into a sellable script. Shane appears and Alice tells her they can’t be friends anymore as long as she continues to “Scheck up.” Ha!

Alice arrives back at the Planet and gets goofy over a text message from Jamie. Bette and Tina inform Alice that she and Tasha are having a “third wheel crush” triangle with their new buddy. (Ya think?) They invoke the Schecter er, specter of relationships that have crumbled when one person in a couple finally decides they’ve fallen in love with the third wheel crush and decides to act on it. (Tasha! It’s going to be Tasha!)

Bitter at having no storyline to call her own more than halfway through the season, Kit spills the beans to the group about Helena’s impending date with Dylan. As good friends are wont to do, everyone freaks. Helena: “I can’t help myself. Dylan has colonized my thoughts.” No, honey. Jenny has colonized Shane’s vagina. But you do have some serious unfinished business with Ms. Moreland.

And then Alice gets an idea – an awful, terrible, WONDERFUL idea.

A plan is devised – a not-so-great lesbo caper, if you will. Dylan’s character and the truth about her feelings for Helena are to be determined by a test. Shane will get Nikki Stevens to set up a meeting with Dylan – ostensibly, to discuss a job directing Nikki’s next big movie. During the meeting, Nikki will make a pass at Dylan, while the gang watches on Hit Club’s fancy schmancy security cameras. Is Dylan still just looking