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I don’t know a ton of other femmes, but the ones I do know all seem to have one thing in common: they’re really only attracted to butches. Case in point? I was listening to The Diana Cage Show the other night, and your favorite radio show host and mine was talking to Margaret Cho about this. While extolling their mutual love of butches, both ladies agreed that they just couldn’t see themselves ever getting down with a girly-girl. Cage even quipped that, for her, such a thing seemed to fly in the face of “God and nature.”

More... I heard her say that and thought it was pretty effing funny (oh, ironies!), but also, for the briefest of moments, it made me feel a little insecure about the way in which I identify as a femme. Of course, that soon gave way to thinking, “Hmm. Femme-on-femme, ‘against God and nature’? All forbidden and stuff? Hot!”

I do identify as femme -- although I’m more on the chapstick end of the scale than the glamour puss, high femme side -- and don’t get me wrong, I love me some butches! Every serious girlfriend I’ve ever had has been butch. My girlfriend now is butch. But I’ve also had lovers who were femme, and to this day, while I prefer my relationships to be with butches, I’m prone to developing schoolgirl crushes on femmes. A decent (okay, indecent) portion of my fantasy life revolves around that dynamic. I can’t help it. Femmes are sexy! (Especially bitchy, bossy ones; I’m an equal opportunity sub slut, what can I say?)

Left to my own devices, I’m cool with my femme-lusting-after proclivities, but sometimes, I can’t help but feel like the odd femme out, like my attraction to other femmes really is sort of scandalous and sordid, and does in fact fly in the face of God and nature. I realize logically that that is dumb. But there you have it. And I’m pretty sure it’s because all of the femmes I know totally feel like it’s weird to be attracted to other femmes. It makes me feel weird.

Plus, there are also times when I feel like a walking, talking, bad stereotype. You know, like women who have boyfriends and who only occasionally make out with other girls at parties? Having a boifriend… Occasionally feeling an urge to kiss the pretty girls… Lately I totally feel like a butch/femme dynamic, trendy pseudo-bisexual. Yeah. Embarrassing.

So what I’d really like to know? I can’t be the only self-identified, butch-loving femme who occasionally finds myself panting after another femme… can I? Come on, ladies. “Fess up.

And even if I’m not the only one, which surely I can’t be, what do I do with that desire? I mean, I’m monogamous, by choice and by nature. I accept that I’m just not cut out for polyamorous loving. And I do genuinely prefer relationships with butches. So where in my life is there room to express my FILF-ier sensibilities? I think I may have actually found a solution to this quandary: I have taken to writing femme-on-femme erotica. From the safety and security of a dirty story, I can explore and play (Mommy’s girl, anyone?) without any messy emotional consequences. Heck, I might even get a published smutty story or two out of the deal.

Meanwhile, I will continue to feel a little scandalous, a little sordid, and a little like my FILF lust flies in the face of God and nature. And frankly? That really does just make it hotter.