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Julia: So Valentine's Day is this week, and I thought what better way to commemorate it than to share our Worst Valentine's Day EVER stories?

Amy: Haha, of course! That's the perfect way to commemorate it!

Julia: Right? And I have a doozy of a story to start us off.

Amy: Dish.

Julia: Okay, so our tale begins the week before Valentine's Day 2005, almost exactly one year from the day my ex-fiancé and I split up. (After she announced she was transitioning to be a guy, not because she was trans, but because that way "we could be straight," and then when that didn’t fly with me, cyber-cheated on me with her boyfriend from high school to prove just how “straight” she was. But that's another story...)

Amy: Whoa. How can you throw that in some parentheses and not expect me to wanna know that story? Fine. Go on.

Julia: We’ll get to that one another time. Ha. So it’s one year after all of that, and I've just started REALLY liking someone for the first time since my big break up and all the ensuing lesbian angst. This new girl is amazing. She sweeps me off my feet, shows up in my gated complex having jumped the fence, IN THE RAIN, to give me flowers or just for a kiss.

Amy: That's some John Cusack shit.

A tip: the boombox serenade NEVER goes out of style...

Julia: Right?! She was totally the cute andro dyke John Cusack. I was twitterpated like WHOA. So I start letting down my guard and falling for her. And just when I announce to her how much I like her, she drops the bomb: She's going back to her cheating ex, and can't see me anymore. But we can still be friends.

Amy: UGH.

Julia: But WAIT! It gets better. Meanwhile, I have been chatting online with a dapper 40's something butch, who lives in my city (Amaaazing! They're like UNICORN rare in SoCal) and is this sweet teddy bear who has been acting as my cyberbuddy shoulder to cry on.

Amy: Niiiice.

Julia: If Bachelorette #1 was John Cusack, then Bachelorette #2 was like the Nick Nolte character in a Nicholas Sparks romantic drama.

Amy: HA!

Julia: She was this real responsible type — mid-level management corporate job — and was putting all