Well, it’s been… a year. With all its ups and downs, Oh-Nine is a year we will certainly never forget. And if you were planning on forgetting any of it, I’m here to make sure you don’t with the Best and Worst of Lesbian 2009.
Lez start with the Best:
5. First Lesbian Bishop
Lesbians dominating religion FTW! Episcopalian minister Mary Glasspool was elected assistant Bishop of the Diocese of Los Angeles this year. She lives with her partner and prays that her good Christian brothers and sisters will not firebomb her home anytime soon.
4. First Lesbian Wedding on All My Children
Living vicariously through soap operas is nothing new for us dykes, but it was especially
desperate poignant when the ancient soap married two beloved characters in pretty white dresses. Yeah, it might be a few years before you see a butch lesbian on AMC, but we’ll take what we can get for now.
3. Iowa: the Midwestern Surprise
I climbed Capitol Hill, and all I got was this lousy hate crimes bill. Okay, but of all places, Iowa? Iowa proved to the U.S. that gay marriage was not a coastal debate. Now we can get hitched, right in the heartland. Chicagoans immediately flock to cornfields.
2. Ellen and Portia on Oprah
My mother watches Oprah. My mom watches Ellen. But never before did my mom get to see both Ellen AND Portia ON OPRAH. This is a deadly combination of beloved characters, all put on a single television set, geared to show all the suburban moms what a handsome lesbian marriage looks like. And it looks good.
1.Sarah Palin’s Book Shoots Rachel Maddow
…and then Rachel kicked ass, all year long. As evidenced by the myriad of ass-kicking interviews, debates, and cocktails, everything Rachel Maddow has done this year has made the Lesbian brand that much cooler. But what a compliment to be the first man down on Sarah Palin’s book’s first killing spree.
5. High Schools Hate Lesbians
Just when we thought we could wear a Tux and go to prom like everyone else, a lesbian couple is banned from their high school prom. On top of that, a high school senior is banned from wearing a tuxedo in her yearbook. To boot, California courts decided that private schools are allowed to drop students who are openly gay in school. Dislike Button. On the upside: teens, now you know an easy way to get out of private school.
4. The Recession/Downsizing The Advocate
When the print magazine industry gets a cold, the gay print magazine industry gets swine flu with a side of herpes. While gay mags are struggling to stay afloat, the most prominent mag of them all is reduced to an insert. Maybe the parent company, PlanetOut, shouldn’t have bought that cruise line after all.
3. Lesbian Gang Rape in Bay Area/ Increase in Hate Crimes
Just when it seemed like the majority of hate crimes were toward gay men, a lesbian is gang-raped and left naked outside of her Jeep. While the new Hate Crimes law will make tougher penalties for atrocities like this, they continue to happen in every corner of the country.
With big bucks coming in on both sides, this was the biggest political upset of the year. A horde of homos immediately flock to New Hampshire and Vermont cow farms.
1. Season 6 of the L word
We can’t get married. We can’t be in the military. WHY COULDN’T THE L WORD END WITH SOME SHRED OF DIGNITY?! After six solid years of watching my favorite fictional friends run around and have sex with each other, I had to cringe through an entire season of badly written, absurdly executed drivel that ended without knowing who killed Jenny in the “Who Killed Jenny?” season. Lesson: don’t rewrite an entire season assuming your spin-off is going to get picked up. Also, let’s just pretend Season Six never happened.