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Listen Linds can I call you Linds? Great, thanks. Historically, I've been one of your greatest supporters. While people have been calling you a druggie, untalented, irresponsible and even a burglar, I've been sticking up for you, telling them you are a victim of the cruel media.

When people took Samantha's side in the breakup, labeling you the crazy one, I defended your honor because let's face it — the femme is always accused of being the crazy one — but also because I think you are talented. I see your potential; these are just your wild years. I said, "One day she'll grow out of it... like Drew Barrymore!"

Also, I think you are cute. You've always had great style. You've got that "fashion line" which I'm putting in quotes till you start designing something other than leggings, and you're always fabulous with that long mane and sparkling eyes. I have always said you could grow up to be the next Mary Louise Parker. Or at least Sandra Bullock.

Then I saw these photos.

What's going on here? Where do I begin?

Let me start by saying I support faux fur. At least I pray this is faux fur because to dye an animal's fur the color pink (or any color for that matter) is doubly offensive. However, this looks really cheap. In fact, I bought something almost exactly like it at this really trashy discount store called Rainbow. Although I love it, I wear it in an ironic way. If I had your kind of money, I wouldn't wear real fur but I sure as hell wouldn’t wear this either.

Next, is this tan of yours real? I'm not sure it matters, because either way it looks awful and orange. But if it is real, I suggest you throw on some SPF 50 because at the rate you're going, your skin is going to look like leather in 5 years. If the tan is fake, I think you should buy a different brand. They come in all shades now-a-days.

Let's stop beating around the bush. Your lips are, Out. Of. Control. Everyone knows they're not usually that large. It isn't like people think, "Oh wow, I've never noticed Lindsay's full, luscious lips. Is she related to Angelina Jolie?" No, they just think, "Oh, that poor thing. She had lip injections and now she looks like Donatella Versace."

Then I saw this photo of you with Donatella Versace. Please tell me this was some sort of Donatella Versace theme night. I want to believe she has a great sense of humor and everyone came in costume to pay tribute to her. Something tells me that you just bear a striking resemblance to this scary looking woman. It reminds me of Clay Aiken and Barry Manilow. There’s this creepy future version of you that once noticed, no one will ever forget. My advice to you: stay far away from her when cameras are present.

I want to be on your side, really I do. You're just making it extremely difficult right now. Why not stay indoors, out of the sun, do some online shopping and find yourself a cute new fall jacket and please — for the love of god — cancel all lip injection appointments.

xoxo,
Amy Nicole