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Three summers ago, I had a one-night stand with an extremely tan French drag king who chanted "Oui" on repeat as we fucked. It went a little something like this: "Oui! Oui! Oui! Oui! Oui!" At first I tried to ignore it, but it proved to be impossible. She sounded like a four-year-old Rainman on a swing. I stopped mid-way and made up some bogus story about how I really had to iron my dress shirts for the upcoming work week. (I work from home.)

Last year I was having what I thought was amazing sex with this Greek butch when suddenly she started shouting "Fuck me! I'm ready! Just fuck me already!"

I was flustered. I didn't know what the hell she meant. Wasn't I doing just that? You name it, I was on it. It was like a three-ring circus up in my dingy crib. I never strap and she knew that (more importantly, she had given me an in-depth speech the day before about how much she loathed strap-ons), and I was at a total and complete loss as to how I could service her in the way she so desired. So, I did what anyone with average lovemaking skills would do to remedy the situation: I started doing everything harder.

"Come on! Please, just fuck me! I want you to fuck me! Do it! Please!"

I rolled off of her and onto my Diff'rent Strokes bedsheets. I stared at the ceiling in silence for a few minutes. Finally, I spoke: "Okay. I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. How else am I supposed to fuck you? What is it that I'm not doing?"

She looked puzzled. "Um, that was just sex talk. You were doing fine."

Was it Confucius or kd lang who once said, "Hush, sweet lover, hush..."?

Have you ever been having sex with someone who says shit that's so strange or unhot that it entirely kills the mood? I have. Whoa, I have. I understand that what is and isn't sexy in the realm of dirty talk is subjective. I know this theoretically. But in my heart of hearts, I can't understand why people say some of the things they do whilst in the bedroom (or gas station bathroom or hammock or Payless utility closet). Isn't there some innate thing that