If you watch Glee and you don't love Coach Beiste, you're probably a fungus-brained zombie. Ever since she replaced the boring and depressing Coach Ken Tanaka at the beginning of the second season, Shannon Beiste (that's THE BEAST to you!) has given us some of our best side-splitting one-liners; and, over time, some of the deepest moments of truth and beauty, too. We couldn't be more thrilled that she's been nominated for an Emmy this year-- though we agree with Ms. Jones that it's an absolute travesty that Naya Rivera didn't get one, too. (Personally, I also think my girl Dianna Agron deserves one for managing to put so much heart and gravity into every one of the 100 personalities she was forced to play this year; but I get it, baby stealing and ironic Ryan Seacrest tattoos and dance competitions a week after stepping out of a wheelchair don't necessarily have a broad audience appeal for everyone).
In honor of Dot-Marie's Emmy nomination, we would like to take the opportunity to revisit our top 10 favorite Coach Beiste moments. Now sit down and pay attention, pun'kin, and then we'll have a nice breakfast of one whole chicken each.
10: "Do NOT get up in The Panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelette."
9: Shannon the Cannon takes Will to her favorite Honkey-Tonk bar
8: "I am captain of the U.S.S. Kick Ass, not the U.S.S. Back Talk."
7: "Watch your tone with me Missy. You crap on my leg and I'll cut it off!"
6: "This is one of the hardest decisions of my life. And that includes when I had to sell one of my prize donkeys to pay my gas bill."
5: "Did you know Breadstix delivers?"
4: Ballet Beiste helps the Glee kids cool off
And in the Number One spot...
Cooter the Vagina Man: Who's gonna love you now?!
Coach Beiste: I am.
Rock on, Beiste, Velvetpark salutes you. We'd also like to give a shout-out to all the other deliciously badass ladies who scored an Emmy nomination this year, including Margaret Cho, Tina Fey, Melissa McCarthy, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Sofia Vergara, Mayim Bialik, Christina Hendricks, Archie Panjabi, and more! Who are you rooting for? Did we miss your favorite Coach Beiste moment? Tell us your picks in the comments. Happy weekending, bois & grrlz.