Due to technical difficulties beyond our control, today’s Weekly Gleek will be posted tomorrow, at which point your intrepid Velvetpark reporter (that’s me) will have actually seen the episode. But don’t fret, bois & grrlz—we wouldn’t let hump day pass without your trusty, spirit-liftin’ dose of gay juice Glee! Today, we bring you 5 tasty, candy-unicorn-poop flavored treats from the McKinley gang to look forward to in 2012. That means SPOILERS a-comin’, kids, so if you’d rather be surprised, just move along now. Still reading? Okay, then prepare yourself for…
1) Dianna Agron as Quinn Fabray as Sandy Olsen in the Glee production of Grease
…oh yeah, and Blaine plays Danny Zuko. Finally, Quinn gets more screen time than the extras and Glee Project guest stars, and maybe even a decent vocal solo. I was starting to forget what that smoky-sweet glamour girl voice sounded like! Please, Grilled Cheezus, let that bathing suit be a two piece…
Apparently the former Troubletones are miffed that they didn’t get the chance to get their MJ on with the New Directions kids at Sectionals; so on January 24th, Mr. Schuester declares it Michael Week at McKinley High. The episode will feature a whopping TWELVE songs from the King of Pop, extending all the way back to the early days of the Jackson 5. If that’s not squee-worthy enough for you, the episode will also feature the return of the Warblers, led by our favorite love-to-hate-him Meerkat-faced aspiring boyfriend stealer, Sebastian Smythe. Keep an eye on your man, Kurt! That CW hair don’t pet itself.
3) Will Pops the Question
On January 17th, the spectacularly successful relationship expert Will Schuester will propose to equally successful fruit scrubber Emma Pillsbury…but first he runs it by the glee club, of course. ‘Cause what kind of teacher doesn’t secure advance approval from his students before embarking on major life decisions? No doubt he just needed a little confidence booster from his best pep squad, like “we totally think you won’t screw it up this time.”
4) Gloria Freakin’ Estefan as Santana’s Mom
Now we know why Santana’s parents were so conspicuously absent in the episode where she actually came out to them—they were busy securing the rights to the most badass Latin Mama of all time. No word yet on when the episode (tentatively titled “Spanglish”) will air, but we do know that it will feature a healthy dose of Estefan’s own music, including Livin’ La Vida Loca, as well as other bilingual tunage. Rapper Pitbull may play Santana’s big bro, and in a separate episode we’ll get to meet McKinley’s hottest new Spanish sub, Ricky Martin. Maybe that’s when Will and Emma are off on the world’s best-scrubbed honeymoon?
5) More Sugar Motta
…I’ve said it before, the girl has a way of growing on you. She’s like Brittana's adorable lovechild, and she has 1,001 facial expressions ready to whip out at a moment’s notice. And obviously, those screechy dead cat sounds we’ve heard from her in the past aren’t her real voice; there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be allowed to move past the joke and sing for realz now that she’s a bona-fide New Direction. Maybe she gets an inner ear operation—who knows? Who cares? If Shelby can walk into a hospital on a whim and say, “Hey, any unwanted babies born today?” and then walk out with Quinn’s baby, Sugar can certainly find a way around her comedic vocal issues. Truthfully, I’ve always imagined her real voice sounding exactly like Mayim Bialik as a young Bette Midler in Beaches. Right?
What’s your fantasy musical number for Glee’s senior spring? Tune back in tomorrow for your regularly scheduled Weekly Gleek. And don’t forget to leave a nice warm Grilled Cheezus on rye out for Santa, kids.