Weekend Update: One Femme and 8 Hours of Alone Time.

THINGS I DID THIS WEEKEND

1. Trimmed my rose bush

No this isn’t a euphemism. My delightful one bedroom apartment also has a backyard. In this backyard sits a kick-ass giant pink rose bush. I love these roses so much I don’t mind spending three hours pruning them while NPR blasts from my bedroom window. I cared for these roses using a pair of kitchen scissors to chomp off dead buds wearing nothing but my neon pink tank top & ironic running shorts (cause I don’t run anywhere). Today my coworkers keep asking me about my new kitten.

2. Drank an entire pot of coffee

There is a coffee shop about three blocks from me that sells a cup of joe that’s just killer -- both in quality (bold but smooth) and to my bank account. I cannot afford to spend $5.25 for a shot of espresso & chai mixed together in their dirty dance. Thankfully, this coffee shop has recently started selling their beans ($17 for a ¼ lb. bag is still an eye-roll price point, but they do grind them for me). I cannot explain what a coup it is to make this coffee in my apartment with my gold French press. Each sip of this expensive-but-home-brewed coffee is like winking to my 16 year-old self in a pompous “you make it out okay, kid" kind of way.

3. Told a rude person they were rude

So, I’m at the Co-Op getting my vegetables* when I decide to check out the freezer section. I’ve got the door open and I’m reaching for a dozen Amish-free-range organic-hormone-less eggs when this woman pokes her head into the freezer and starts picking up different types of yogurt. She just cuts in line while I stand there holding the door open for her, eggless. I’m not sure which is more offensive to me. That she couldn’t wait for me to collect my twelve pack or that she took her time choosing which type of yogurt she wanted. Normally I would passively huff and mumble. But as a future-regular to this co-op I had to lay some ground rules. “Excuse me." She turned and looked up at me. She had moved onto the second shelf to choose between Amish cheese or Amish cheese. “Oh were you looking? I had no idea. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that." which is a very nice thing to say and also false. I am standing in front of the freezer and holding the door open. Which is the international sign for “This freezer has something I want. I am going open the door, retrieve my item, then shut this door and continue shopping". I’m pretty sure my terse eyebrows conveyed that message. Then I said to her, “If you are going to stand there please hand me the eggs." Which is my way of saying “SCHOOLED YA! BACK OF THE LINE YOU CUTTER." She did and once I had them in bag I walked away letting the freezer door bump her shoulder. My way of dropping the mic and walking off stage.

*I read an O Magazine article once that said if you start saying things as if they are already a habit its easier to adopt them. So by phrasing “I’m at the Co-Op getting my vegetables" I may start actually doing that regularly. A more accurate way to start this paragraph would be “I went to the co-op for the first time".

4. Locked myself out of my apartment

 

5. Broke into my apartment

 

6. Literary Binge: Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me

I read this book cover to cover and in one sitting. I plan on quoting from this book regularly. It’s hilarious and endearing. There are some unfortunate lesbian bashing descriptors but I chalk this up to the fact that she doesn’t know enough femmes. Any harm done is forgiven when you learn she required a stylist, who only brought size zero dresses to a photo shoot, to cut one dress up the middle and sew her into it with canvas and safety pins.



7. Dusted the inside of my refrigerator

 

8. Bleached my teeth and my bath tub

 

9. Organized my lipstick drawer

 

10. Re-Watched Season Two of Lip Serive

THINGS I DID NOT DO THIS WEEKEND

1. Laundry

Coincidently, laundry was the one thing I promised myself I would get done. #Fail

And you, my little Velveteens, what exciting adventures did you have this weekend? Comment below – it feeds my ego!