ThreeWay: Things I Learned From My Exes

Julia: So being in a healthy, committed relationship for the first time has got me thinking lately about Things I Learned From My Exes. Rather like Things I Learned in Kindergarten. What have you learned from your exes?

Amy: You said it. When you're in a great relationship it gives you a ‘hindsight is 20/20’ type thing. For example: When you are a baby dyke and just came out, don't get with the first thing that walks into your life just because she has short hair and likes lesbian music (i.e. Melissa Ferrick). And when someone only listens to Melissa Ferrick et. al, but you like the Butchies, it might be a sign that you don't have much in common.

Elizabeth: HA! OMG Amy! In my case, she liked Melissa and I liked Ani.

Melissa Ferrick says "Come hither, you sexy folkster bitches."

Julia: LoL! For me it was the lure of similar taste in classic fantasy movies of the 80's. Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal.

Amy: That would be enough to make me think you'd have a lot else in common with someone.

Julia: You'd think! Alas, no. It was the Sweet 16 summer of love until I woke up one morning and realized we had absolutely nothing in common except we both liked fantasy movies.

Elizabeth:  Yes. I totally remember when I thought that finding another lesbian who liked folk music and vegetarian food meant that we were soulmates.

Amy: Haha.

Julia: Exactly my point, Koke! But then this was also right after I found out that that girl neglected to tell me when we got together that her "friend" Peter, who we occasionally made out in front of because he was creepy and wouldn't leave during our precious alone time (without parents) together, was really her boyfriend.

Amy: !!!

Julia: Which brings me to the second thing I learned from my exes. #2: Women lie.

Amy: You said it, sister. Another thing I learned; let's say you watch a movie like Boys on the Side, starring the ever-charming Drew Barrymore...

Elizabeth: That movie!  I was assigned to watch it for my intro to women's studies class in college. My roomate found me in a ball on the floor, rocking and crying hysterically...

Julia: Aw. Mary Louise Parker! Oh, how I heart her.

Amy: ... And are inspired to curl your hair with rollers to look like Drew. You think you look really hot, right? You can't wait to show your date. But when your date shows up and says, "You look like Miss Piggy," that might not be a healthy relationship.

Julia: Ugh! What a jerk! Is that #3? Women can be jerks?

Elizabeth: Women can most certainly be jerks.

Amy: Yeah, it's weird because it might have been true. But now I realize Miss Piggy is hot and I'd be proud to look like her.

Julia: Good for you, Amy!

Julia: HA! The Jerk lesson can be rough.

Amy: The lesson from the Miss Piggy story is that men are jerks. It was my last boyfriend before turning queer

Elizabeth:  I never had a boyfriend.  Except if you count my pal PJ in preschool.

Julia: My last boyfriend was when I was 13, so all my jerks are women. The last one was a sneaky jerk, too.