"On the Record": Accepting Your Truth

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"On the Record": Accepting Your Truth

Folks visit my blog,  KholiOli.Com, to  get a piece of me … so why not, as the blogger, give them all to you?  Is that not the point of the writing?  To explore myself while teaching you … to push towards questions.  If not questions, I’ll at least settle for agitation.

Either way … in hopes of igniting agitation, I submit to you “On the Record.”  I’ve received a lot of emails and face-to-face questions of people wondering what’s real and what’s not when it comes to what’s written here on my blog. I submit to you, it all is .. the dreams, the love, the lies …

But, in order to ease your worries, I’ve decided to at least submit pieces to you that are directly from my journal (sidebar: most musings and pieces of poetry are directly from my journal as well). I’m gonna go “On the Record.” Enough intro chatter, let’s just move on ….

I was reading Shaking the Tree …

“Denying the truth seemed to me the most effective way to overpower it. what happened instead is that it consumed me. My every thought, my every move was either an affirmation (“Why did I do/think that? That’s how depressed people behave/feel.”) or imitation (“See, I’m having fun! If I were really depressed I wouldn’t be having so much fun.”) of that truth.”
- Meri Nana-Ama Danquah, “Willow Weep for Me”

And I wrote....

I thank the universe for revealing what I am thinking about and feeling (Iyanla Vanzant’s words not mine).

What am I thinking about this morning?  I am thinking about longing, mistakes, regrets, second chances … but what have I learned.

Yes, I, too, have had the awakening … the moment when we say to ourselves, “I have been sad for a very long time. Maybe that’s not OK.”  But this morning is not about sadness … or is it?

It’s not about depression.  Not about about crying.  It’s more about the act of not crying. Not admitting.  Not taking my thoughts seriously.  I am two years into a healing that just began but has been holding me too long.  No one will understand this if they read it.

What is the lesson? What have I learned?

- Trust your gut.

- Sometimes, only through the pain of separation can you find real growth.

- Living takes courage.  To really live and engage and not just keep moving …

- Be sure (as you can be).  Sometimes, there are no 2nd chances.

- In love, pain is inevitable.  The factors we control are how much pain we feel, who we feel it with, and for what reasons.

- When in distress, we must express.  It’s that simple.

- Put your pride aside. Not your heart.  Not your logic, either.

- Know your non-negotiables.

I’m thinking about how, whether I’m depressed or not, this passage tells me everything I need to know about all my “people/food/money/success/yk” obsessions. I’m thinking it’s time to be real. I’m feeling a little more free. I thank the universe for revealing what I am thinking about … and feeling.

you stay cool.  as you can see, i can only stay kholi. <3



Comments [3]

kholi's picture

Thanks, ladies ...

I appreciate the kind words.

 

And @marcie, those non-negotiables are real. Wink

Marcie Bianco's picture

Khols, I love your 'lessons'

Khols, I love your 'lessons' -- don't put your heart aside, realize that pain when in love is inevitable, living takes courage, trust your gut, and know your non-negotiables. 

SO GOOD. Imma think about these lessons more often.

Grace Moon's picture

Preach.

Preach.

tweet tweet @gracemoon