Dear Straight People,
Listen to me when I tell you this: Lesbians are cooler than everybody else.
Let that sink in for a moment, while you rearrange your throw pillows and consider building a rec room. The only reason you never heard of us before is because we’re so cutting edge. In fact, you’ll just start getting into us five years from now, when your kids are starting high school and they all want to grow up to be lesbians.
“Sure,” you say, “You lesbians have been cool before, but nothing ever comes of it.” Well you know what, straight person? Nothing ever came of your career in online gambling either. And you know why? Because of lesbians.
EXHIBIT A: Paul Revere
Paul Revere kicked it all off with his shiny black boots, blousy shirts, and three-quarter length pants — a truly organic look, native to the Northeast, that he ripped off from early lesbian settlers, who never died and in fact still live in Northampton today. Revere loved horses, had a popular daytime talk show way before Rosie, and was voted “Founding Father Most Likely to Process His Feelings in a Supportive Group Setting.” To this day, we marvel at those lesbian hands! Raise your silver teapot high in a tea party toast to this classic icon of Lesbian Chic!
EXHIBIT B: Vanity Fair Was Simple Then, Too
You’ve seen it before and you’ll see it again: This magazine cover poster is the poster child for Lesbian Chic! k.d. lang is so cool that her beard is practically shaving itself with those razor-sharp cheekbones! Watch out, Cindy, this lower-case lesbian is hot for you. After all, why would you capitalize your name when you already have an international supermodel capitalizing on your lesbianism? Mad props to Cindy and her pet monster hair for coming along on this wild ride of momentary mainstream interest in a lesbian.
EXHIBIT C: DJ Sapphic Fever
Totally cool. We just love you guys. Here especially. Doing lines off a fudge pop again, Lilo? Come on, girl, you know that leaves a trail! Sam, I always think you look soooo cute trying to look soooo cute. Awwwwww, kittens.
There's just no way to get around it. Lesbians rule no matter what we're doing. Whether we're saving the world practically every day or just mostly being interesting people who are self-aware and awesome, it's obvious enough why mainstream culture wants so little to do with us: You are jealous, and I don't think you're ready for this jealousy.
Ain't no party like a lesbian party cause a lesbian party don't stop,