asks his doctor if everything is set for his surgery and learns that it will have to be delayed… because he’s stolen Thomas Beatie’s life story. He’s preggers.
Jodi and Bette lock passive aggressive horns over Jodi’s art piece about Bette. Bette wants to meet with her in private to discuss it and Jodi tells her to have James schedule an appointment. Ouch. Bette heads to Phyllis’ office for a powwow about Jodi’s “inappropriate behavior,” but once there they are waylaid by… nekkid Joyce! Bette flees in horror. Nekkid Joyce pops the question and Phyllis accepts. They’re getting gay married!
Alice and the taciturn Tasha are in therapy with Dr. Dan and Alice will not SHUT UP! Don’t you miss the old Alice? Bubbly, snarky, sweet Alice? Non-annoying Alice? Me, too.
Max arrives at the clinic for his abortion appointment, facing down a transphobic clinic employee and the whispers of the other clients in the waiting room.
Jenny’s screenplay treatment turns out to be a fantasy of Shane declaring her undying love. Eeugh. The two of them seem to be back on tentative speaking terms. Double ugh.
Lesbro Dr. Dan has waved the magical processing wand and gotten Tasha and Alice to open up to one another. They are healed! Ready to bury the hatchet! Until he bursts their bubble: “You two have so little in common, I really don’t think you belong together.” They respond by having parking garage car sex. Take that, Dr. Dan!
Tom arrives at the clinic, where Max has been denied his abortion. The doctor said he was too far along at four months. No car sex conflict resolution for these two: Max, in a moment of homo (or hetero?) panic, gay-bashes his man right there in the clinic hallway, complete with “you faggot” and a swift kick to the nuts. Tom admits that he’s not ready to be a dad.
Alice and Tasha decide to make a ‘pros and cons’ list for their relationship, incorporating a complicated point system. It’s the perfect marriage of processing and lesbian math. They seem okay, for now…
Bette and Tina visit an art show at a new gallery, where the proprietress turns out to be none other than Bette’s long-lost college roommate and former crush, Jessie. I mean, Nomi. I mean Kelly Wentworth. Their reunion is peppered with profanity and '80s slang and, just for the record, the word “biyatch”