Hump Day: Butt, I Love You

To counteract all this anal-negativity that Rush Limbaugh is spreading, I think its best if we all think positive thoughts about our butts. Instead of thinking about gross old Rush Limbaugh making a imbecilic gay joke about Barney Frank and Uranus, think about nice things you can do with your butt. Like rimming. Don’t you just love rimming? Of course! We all do!

Analingus, rimming, ass-eating, whatever you call it, it’s the best. Why eat ass, you ask? Because, duh, it’s fun and it’s not just for fags anymore. I’ve heard round the water cooler that asslicking is on the verge of becoming the number one favorite sexual practice of all time. I think I read that on fivethirtyeight or something.

But to really get you excited about your butt, to calm you, to make all your worries go away, and put you in the mood for peace and love I want you to try this excellent exercise shared with us from none other than the most fabulous hot mama of Tantra herself, Barbara Carrellas.

You want to read something sexy? Get yourself a copy of Carrellas’s book Urban Tantra, it’ll definitely open your mind and probably several of your orifices. Read up on her at her website.

OK, are you ready to fall in love with your butt and breathe your cares away?

This exercise is called Bottom Breathing. Here’s how to do it:

    1. Sit on the floor with your legs crossed (or on a hard-backed chair with your feet flat on the floor) and your spine straight. With your hands, pull the fleshy part of your buttocks aside so that you are sitting on your sit bones. (Once you learn the breath you can do it in any position.)

    2. Place your hands on your belly. Relax your belly. Just let it go. Let it be round in your hands. (Despite the culture's fascination with concave bellies, bellies are supposed to be at least slightly rounded.)

    3. Begin by exhaling all the air out of your lungs.

    4. Then, as you inhale, very gently push out on the anal sphincter. Imagine that your anus can "kiss" the floor or the seat of the chair.

    5. On the exhale, don't do anything. Don't contract your anus; don't hold it; don't push. Do nothing. Just let go.

    6. Repeat. On the inhale, push out with the anal sphincter; on the exhale, do nothing.

    7. Keep going.

That’s all you have to do! Relax, de-stress, love your butt. Now go out and have some fun with your butt or maybe even someone else’. Just make sure to ask their permission first.