The Heroes Lesbians Are Back! (Sort of)

Fact: Hayden Panettiere would make the cutest TV lesbian, perhaps, of all time. And we’re not just talking adorable TV lesbian, we’re talking adorable TV superhero lesbian. This could be EPIC. So what gives, NBC? Why you gotta be all takesies backies, then all gives againsies, and now? All half-asszies to boot.

As previously threatened, I stopped watching Heroes after I heard that Clare’s Sapphically crushed out college roomie, Gretchen, had fled their den of would-be deviant deliciousness at the tail end of November sweeps. But after being tipped off that Gretchen was due to return for the final two episodes before winter hiatus, I came running back like the sad, little all-too-well trained, Pavlovian lesbian TV junkie that I am — even though I still know better. Sigh.

Last week’s episode did indeed see the return of Gretchen, after unwitting lesbo matchmaker Papa Bear Bennet invited Claire's former roomie over for dessert on Thanksgiving. (Face-plant pie, anyone? No? Pity.) The surprise gesture was meant as a last ditch effort to get Clairebear interested in staying in college, after she announced during dinner her plans to drop out. And sure enough, seeing Gretchen again seemed to work like a charm… up until, instead of going back to campus with her, Claire talked Gretchen into coming along on a wild goose chase to follow the lead of the magical compass she’d stolen from dear old dad.

Would that they had ended up in a magical parallel universe with armored bears and wicked Nicole Kidmans who wanted to do vile things to their metaphorical sexual selves, but no, they found the lame ass Crazytown Carnival instead. Sadly, the closest thing we got to superheroic lesbian nookie this time around was a half-hearted subtexty moment of Gretchen making eyes at Tattooed Lady Lydia’s bared back and daring Claire to touch her. Sigh. Claire ended up ditching Gretchen for the carnies in the end, and in lieu of so much as a goodbye smooch, we got a chaste, BFF-y hug.

No word yet on whether or not we’ll be seeing more of Gretchen when the show returns in early January, although episode 4-16 is rumored to be titled “Close To You.” The one after that is supposedly called “Pass/Fail.” Oh, Heroes. This show has been so bad