Excerpt from Nina Here Nor There: My Journey Beyond Gender

  • The service having id "propeller" is missing, reactivate its module or save again the list of services.
  • The service having id "buzz" is missing, reactivate its module or save again the list of services.
Excerpt from Nina Here Nor There: My Journey Beyond Gender

(Excerpted from Nick Kreiger's memoir)

Despite the record-breaking Indian summer heat, I tried to turn down the invitation to the A-gay pool party. It was across the Bay, on the far side of the Oakland hills, at someone’s parents’ house. I argued that there was no public transportation escape route and gave in only when Zippy, in town for an appointment with her family dentist, texted me, “Get your ass over here. Pronto.” Used to my one-foot-out-the-door ways, she suggested I bring my bicycle on my ride’s car rack so I could pedal to the nearest train station at any moment. Her solution was perfect, even though I hadn’t shared the real cause of my anxiety, that my chronic bathing-suit phobia might escalate into a full-on bathing suit panic attack.

Sometimes I thought I moved to San Francisco, or at least stayed, because the coastal fog and cool summer made a jacket and wool hat required beach attire. Back when I broke the men’s underwear seal, I also purchased a pair of Billabong swim trunks, a baggy, knee-length revelation that at least made half of my body bearable in sunny weather. Hiding my top business was still a challenge, my discovery of binders useless for lounging by a pool. With only two options, I chose my more water-appropriate Speedo racing top over the Frog Bra, as if appropriateness mattered when wearing a makeshift bathing suit.

The second my trunks were on, my tropical daydream hit, as if there was magic dust in the mesh lining. In it, I’m running on a white sand beach, completely alone. With the sun beating down on my bare back, my legs are spinning and my arms pumping. As I speed along the shore, weaving in and out of the waves, my breasts are weightless, buoyant as helium balloons.

In my room, I removed my shirt and held the flesh on my chest, trying to replicate the sensation of lightness as if I could alchemize breasts into feathers. I walked over to the mirror and noticed the fat squeezing through the openings in my fingers. I pressed myself in tighter and tried to envision myself without boobs. It didn’t work. I looked like I was wearing a bra



Comments [2]

Not2Taem's picture

Must Read!

I just finished this book on my Kindle, and am very tempted to order a dozen paper copies so I can leave them around for people to read. I have never read such a deep story written a voice at once matter of fact and profound. Trans, Cis or anywhere on the gender spectrum, you are likely to find a part of yourself Nick's journey.

Who I Am's picture

wow

wow, amazing! now i want to get this! it looks to be a great, and understanding read.

love has no gender