Does Your Date Put Out if You Pay?
As a freelance writer I’m used to being very self-sufficient. Dating someone who makes radically more than me screws up my sense of equilibrium. I’m afraid the balance of power swings in their favor. Or I’ll feel like I need to keep up, and I’m not sure what’s worse.
My friend Lisa is seeing a woman who makes tons of money. Her girlfriend has very expensive taste and I’ve noticed that suddenly Lisa does too. I don’t know where she is getting the cash to go out every night. But I know the highly paid girlfriend isn’t doing all the paying. I think Lisa would rather charge up her credit cards than admit that she can’t afford the things her lady wants to do.
I was talking about the money thing with my friend Dave the other night and we decided to invite our homo friends over for a round table discussion about the income parity thing. We got a pretty mixed bag of responses as you can read below.
Dana, a 30ish financial analyst in a land of dykes with coffee shop jobs said “I am not used to hanging out with people who make a lot of money, so I basically just pay for everything. I like treating.”
But there’s a fine line between picking up the check because you like treating, and paying because you want to be the one in charge. So if someone does all the paying, does that mean they have expectations?
“My ex girlfriend really resented the fact that I had more. She was so broke all the time. If we did anything I had to pay. And when we broke up, I felt very used.” Said Val, who routinely dates girls with less money than her.
“I’ve definitely dated girls who expected me to pay for everything because I make more,” agreed Dana. “On first dates I’ll choose somewhere cheap so my date can split the check with me. I don’t want to set up expectations. Also, I think it’s important to not pay for things until you have had sex.” I yelled at her for saying that. In fact, I’m not even sure I get why she thinks that. But she stood by it.
“Most of the time I think the income gap works out for both parties. If you are the poorer one, you get a sugar momma. And if you have the money, your partner is eating out of the palm of your hand,” adds Val.
“You worry too much about this stuff,” said Laura, who is usually broke. A couple of weeks ago she went on a date with a model. “I thought she was just some tall, skinny girl when she asked me out. I didn’t realize she was loaded till she picked me up in a limo.”
“But you slept with her at the end of your date, didn’t you?” I reminded her.
“Well yeah, I thought she was going to drop me off, but at the end of the night she asked if she could use my bathroom. And when she came out she was naked.”
“So you slept with her because she spent so much money on you, right?”
“No," said Laura, “I just wanted to do it with a model.”
Comments [12]
Trade offs tend to work better
For me, anyway. In past relationships, I was usually the one who drove. With that, I still made more money. Basically, what would happen is if I drove, she picked up the check. I've dated a couple of losers in the past who expected me to pick up the check because I made more money, and it was one of the larger factors that lead to the demise. My last relationship, as I'm single right now, was a give and take game. If we were both strapped for cash, we stayed in. If one of us got a little ahead, we'd treat the other. Money was definitely not a demise factor in that relationship, but having that discussion initially, of "Hey, let's do this equally" really kept the balance of "power", if you insist, in check. Just a thought. Also, I definitely disagree with the "butch must pay for everything". If we wanted traditional "gender" roles, we would have stuck to lying to ourselves and the world, and not coming out. Typically on a first date, I usually do dutch. That way, there's no beginning scale of power.
*steps off of soapbox*
*steps off of soapbox*
Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. --e. e. cummings
tweet this= @sexylesbeast
Interesting topic and humorously explored :)
A boyish friend recently asked me how to tell her serious (bisexual, femme) gf that she doesn't have the money to continually pay for everything, especially considering that they are in a long distance relationship. The boyish friend typically pays for people and is more comfortable in that role. The femme one has paid for a small meal once and has suggested she pay for or buy something for my boyish friend, which makes my boyish friend hesitate a little bit. My friend has said she might be able to propose and suggest a joint checking account to say for their engagement party, as their friends have done.
All I could really say to her was that she was going to have to get the guts to just out and say it to her, especially if they were serious enough to consider marriage. Any advice?
Even if someone pays your
Even if someone pays your way, there is always a price to pay. And if you pay someone else's way, you can't buy respect, affection, etc. My parents were right for being such hair-splitting penny pinchers.
Rich in love if not money
No one is ever going to love me for my money, just saying. What I do on dates, depends on the situation but typically it has been either split the expenses or take turns treating.
Civility is not a sign of weakness.
We could go ...
to McDonalds .....order from the dollar menu....and I would put out......I'm just saying!!!!
Lake
LOL!
Lakey, you give new meaning to "cheap" date!
@kdhales
isn't the rule,
if you do the asking out (and choose the location) you pay for the date?
tweet tweet @gracemoon
The good old days
You mean like in the good old days? Now I never know. But then, I tend to feel terrible about expecting anyone to pay for anything, even though as a teacher I don't make all that much. I have had people get pissed off because I tried to pay for something, and not just on dates.
I'm all for this rule...
But, it's never played out that way for me. That said, I have a really hard time figuring out whether I'm on a date or not. It seems that if I think that I am, then I am not and vice versa. I think that my fear of rejection leads me to use the words 'hang out' in lieu of 'go on a date' and as I'm such a cuddly, lovely, friendly kid, everyone defaults to BFFs with me. It's particularly entertaining as numerous girls I've asked out have later complained to me that no one ever asks them out. I guess they just think that I overdress for coffee, dinner, et al. :-/ The only exception to this rule is girls who start as one night stands. They know what's up. Bless their whoring hearts because I'm way too sheepish to flirt like a normal person.
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"Bitch, what you don't know about me is that I can just about fit in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know that I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?" Silent Bob
Balance of something not sure if it's power
The only money issue I've run into is with old school femmes who think the rule is "The butch always picks up the check."
"When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will." ~ Pollyanna
Seriously now...
...if your date walks out of your bathroom naked you shouldn't be thinking about money....OR....$50?
@kdhales
Going rate?
I guess things are cheaper in the country.