Coffee with My Ex

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Coffee with My Ex

I had coffee with my ex on Monday. Actually she had wine and I ordered soup. It was 4 o’clock, and raining in New York. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in seven years. Seven years, people. We had a bitter break up.

She was my first girlfriend and long term relationship, and we were together for six years. When we met back in the mid-90’s, she was straight-ish, and I was closeted and still questioning. We came out together under difficult circumstances; no queer community (very few lesbian friends to speak of), no support of women’s studies class, or a rainbow alliance at a progressive university. We basically came out by sheer force of will, white knuckling it in front of our parents because we were in love. The world seemed absolutely straight and hostile to me back then.

We went on to do everything that two lesbians in love do: have a lot of sex, buy sex toys, u-haul it, lesbian process, throw dinner parties, find other nesting gay couples to hang out with, struggle financially, bicker, eat hummus, eventually contract LBD, go to couples counseling with a lesbian therapist... We did it all, short of having cats and adopting twin girls from China.

Through all our ups and downs I knew unequivocally that I was in love and loved her. So when the end came and she called it, I was shocked. Somewhere down that windy road she had lost it — love, desire, hope, I wasn’t sure which.

You know how they say there is that one break-up that crushes you? Well, this was mine. I could never quite reconcile my love for someone who stopped loving me. I hated her for that and harbored anger over it for years.

Our lives diverged dramatically; she got married to a bio-man and left New York City. And I, well, you pretty much know what I’ve been up to. I discovered my queer community in and out of bed. As one beautiful lady aptly put it after our first date, which ended under her sheets the next morning, “This is one of the better ways of getting to know someone.”

At some point last spring I woke up and realized I didn’t feel the need to refer to my ex as a four letter expletive any longer. But it took me untill the end of the summer and a glass of wine with my neighbor down the hall to finally reach out and contact her after all these years. My neighbor, a filmmaker and acting coach, told me something very wise that she teaches her students — I’m paraphrasing here: all people need is permission. Being right or wrong doesn’t matter, we just need permission to act — to do something. In the exploration of that action is the Truth.

Comments [18]

Mjfranci's picture

Not fair!

Not fair at all.

What happened w/ the red head? Details, Grace. All of them!

Also, what's LBD?

And do you mean to say you now have 3 roommates, or that you went through 3 roommates and now live alone?

And what part of BK R U referring to? Williamsburg? Ok, time for another beer before I go out. But I won't go outside the door if I'm still drunk, which I am right now.




There are entire Will & Grace episodes out there that could serve as really cool quotes for signatures. Yes, whole episodes!

Rockets's picture


Awesome! Thanks for sharing this experience. Smile

Visit the FREE Lesbian Coloring pages at ~

buggleM's picture

I like your line "a sign" :)

 it means your on the next chapter of your life that your  totally moved on from your ex memory hmmmm I could easily relate to your story I love it coz were in the same page ......good luck Smile

BuggleM the dmd

Steph's picture

Wow Grace, thanks for sharing

Wow Grace, thanks for sharing this with us.

And for VP - what you and the rest of the team do here is incredible.


Tex's picture


Nothing but love,


Twitter Time @kdhales

Steph's picture

Well hello there........

Well hello there........Wink

Tex's picture

Well now...

hello to you......

Twitter Time @kdhales

SMBrown's picture

Wow, congrats--and thanks:

Wow, congrats--and thanks: there's nothing so reassuring as someone else making sense of/peace with her life's choices (romantic or otherwise).  You give me hope!  And VP gives me sustenance--wouldn't trade IT for anything.

p.s. congrats on meeting that red-head you've been dreaming of....   Wink


Grace Moon's picture

morning poem.

Brown, red?
its all the same in bed.


tweet tweet @gracemoon

SMBrown's picture

HAHA!  What a colorful

HAHA!  What a colorful couplet!

toodlin's picture

I like the mysterious

I like the mysterious motorcyclist as a sign.  I know what you mean.

Not2Taem's picture


The real dope on where that show came from.  Evil

Seriously, though; thanks for sharing.

slvbod's picture

Thanks to you being here

Thanks for sharing, Grace

I am still in the process of recovering (or not?) from a breakup with a straight woman, who happened to realize that she was deeply ashamed of our relationship. WTF was I doing with her??? It's one of the still non answered questions that remain for me.

As I did not want to feel bounded by an identity only linked with my sexual orientation, I've never been so far part of any lesbian community, even if I am "out" for most of my environment, friends and family . But as a matter of fact, I feel fully part of the velvetpark community, and find here quite a lot of emotionnal comfort, but also humour and most of all a strong capacity to put words and thinking on emotions, plus sensitive sensibility to art . Thanks for the dedication you put in building and maintaining that space and everything else...

Grace Moon's picture

Thanks for saying that

if its one thing I know all our contributors appricate is when our words help create a sense of community. so thank you for sharing that.


tweet tweet @gracemoon

Kelly McCartney's picture


No more c word! Well done, Moon. So glad I get to see you come through the light of the tunnel on this one. It was dark in there for way too long. The white knuckling really wasn't very pretty to watch, but it was incredibly courageous.

Won't you be my neighbor? @theKELword

patricia's picture


So Grace's four letter expletive was cunt?

Oh, but....BUT! If anyone is ever mean, or rude or just downright nasty, clearly they do not possess the DEPTH or WARMTH to merit being called "the c word".

I'm very pro-cunt. Needs to be brought back as a positive or just a neutral word. Personally, I don't like having my kit medically referred to as "sheath for a male sword", therefore: I welcome the C word anyday. If someone called me that, I'd take it as a compliment.


Grace Moon's picture


I totally agree with you. I actually love the word cunt.

I sometimes refer to Diana Cage affectionately using the C-word. Smile

tweet tweet @gracemoon

Diana Cage's picture