Ask Diana

How can one avoid lesbian relationships that are hard work emotionally? Is there even such a thing as a committed lesbian relationship that isn't hard work emotionally??!!
Listen, there's no way to be intimately involved with another person and not have some kind of expectations of them. And if you have expectations you risk being disappointed.

Having an open dialogue about your relationship helps. Just being open to communicating helps. But actually learning some real communication skills is the key to making it work. You can't use "I'm communicating with you" as an excuse to tell your girlfriend how much she sucks.

Here's something I just learned. Sometimes people just need to say something negative. She might not even believe it herself. She might have a little shiver of neurosis or fear, and she'll vocalize it. Maybe she's feeling bad so she wants you to feel bad too. OK, that sucks. But if you decide not to retaliate it will suck a lot less.

If you retaliate, you'll each say things you don't really mean, then you'll go over them for hours, and even once it's all straightened out you'll resent having spent so much time on it. You know how that goes, you stayed up all night fighting, you’re bleary eyed at work, and you start thinking your relationship is an emotional sinkhole.

Instead, why not let her have her doubts? Because you know you have yours too and it doesn't mean you don't want to be with her. The emotional work is easier when you both stop constantly protecting yourselves from each other.

Learn how to keep yourself from getting caught up in a negative thinking loop. The more you think negative things, the more your body responds will all sorts of stress hormones. The next thing you know you’re stuck in a cycle of anxiety you think is all her fault when really it’s a physiological process you created all by yourself.

Remember that the other person is as vulnerable as you are, and forgive them when they hurt you. There’s a difference between a bad, abusive relationship and a basically good relationship between two people who don’t know how to let their guard down. If you think the relationship you are in is basically good, then just relax a little and learn to let some things go.

What can I say or do, To have more insight from you?
This question sounds like Morrisey lyrics.

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