Ask Amy: Vaginas, Girly Girls and Recovery from TRLW Addiction

Dear readers: Inspired by fellow dispensers of advice like Dan Savage, Ann Landers and Susie Bright, I attempted to sort through my stacks of letters to find a common theme. If I had an intern, this would have been a much easier task. Hey, do you want to be my intern? Must be smart, funny and hot; but not smarter, funnier or hotter than me. Also, being butch wouldn’t hurt. I managed to select questions with a clever underlying theme. See if you can figure it out... Fun!

I have a weird bump down there. What is it?
When you say "down there", do you mean on your privates? If so, that's gross. You should be ashamed of yourself. Of course, I kid. As a person who works at a health care clinic which treats, educates about and researches HIV and STIs, I am confident in telling you that I don't have a clue. See a health care provider. In the meantime, avoid unprotected sex and don't wear skinny jeans.

I hear merkins are back in this season. What's the most elegant way a girl can rock her favorite merkin?
This might be my favorite question yet. Elegance and merkins are rarely mentioned in the same sentence, so I had to think long and hard on this one. Make your mirkin silky and shiny with defined curls, as opposed to one big fluffy bush. Tres elegant!

What is FOF?
Femme-on-Femme. The act of two femme identified people hittin' it. Ex: me and Diana Cage.

Could whiskey ever be feminine?
No. I like whiskey because of its masculinity. I like to sip it slowly, through a straw so as to not smudge my lipstick, rolling it over my tongue, taming the bite. Then I swallow it, embracing the sharp and almost overwhelming sensation, feeling it warm my entire body as it slides down my throat. mmmmm whiskey.

Who would win in a knife fight? Astronaut Barbie or Crocodile Dundee?
Astronaut Barbie might be so fed up with discrimination that she could cut Croc Dun in half. I'm sure she gets shit from the other astronauts about her pink outfits and blonde hair, and they assume she's weak. Do not dismiss the power of an angry femme!

(Ed Note: Speaking of Barbie, have you seen the totally gay Ken in Toy Story 3?)

Pink, or Purple?
Pink, for political purposes and also because it looks great on me. Purple brings out the green in my eyes, so it comes in a close second.

Amy, I think I'm becoming addicted to the train wreck that is The Real L Word L.A. I think it's because all of my friends despise it... Is there something wrong with me, and if so how do I fix it??
It's called masochism, and it isn't wrong. Some people like being spanked, some whipped, some even peed on. You happen to enjoy subjecting yourself to tragic lesbians who kill your soul with every word shouted and whined out of their loud annoying mouths.

Ask Amy more questions here.