There’s rainy gloom on the east coast and I’m not just talking about the weather. Is it because the mornings get darker? Is it because the meetings we schedule for three o’clock on Friday afternoons are with real coworkers instead of our drinking buddies? I’m not sure but for some reason, around this time of year, little black rain clouds roll in and screw up everyone’s love life. I drafted five emails to friends about heartache. Come September, my inner circle’s summer romances took a nose dive. Apparently, [name redacted] and that fox only connected on the dance floor at Stilettos. The moonlight of Cherry Grove really was the best lighting for [name redacted] and her new fling. Once they packed up the summer share, texts organizing the next date went unanswered. So, it’s in this vein that I’ve reviewed my emails and present to you my 5 cures for the summer fizzle.
Step One: Adele-Only
Listen to Adele non-stop. Really. Put “21” on repeat. Lie in your bed and cry. Get on the subway and cry. Be sad all the time. Have Adele in your headphones, on your internet radio and in your head at all times. Why? Well, you stored up all this love stuff which is now replaced with all this sadness. Nobody does sad better than Adele. And didn’t you just get used to the idea of spending all your time thinking about and/or texting this new flame? Well, Adele sympathizes in a way your cat just won’t. She could have had it all, so she understands why you are still wearing Wednesday’s pajamas and watching L word (season 3, the saddest season) thinking about all the babies you are not going to have with this person. Her voice is a projection of your deepest emotions and her music is basically you saying to yourself "Self, its time me and you spend some time talking about how shitty this is." Be in the sad face zone. Mourn.
Step Two: Adele-Free
Never listen to Adele again. When “Rolling in the Deep Jamie XX Remix” comes on in Forever21; walk out. When your coworker starts humming one of her tunes; punch him and point to this sign.
Step Three: Cover the Tracks
Take every email, Facebook wall post and Instagram comment in your collective “summer fling” digital foot print and put it somewhere else. Deleting all that data seems like a solidly Bridget thing to do but that's because I have ninja googling skills to find them again (ill advised). Remove all voice mails, texts, images, and phone numbers for this person from your primary device. For example screen shot and print text messages. Place the prints in an envelope. Place the envelope in a box. Hide the box under your bed. Make it so that you have to get on your floor (which was swept...when?) and be in a really embarrassing and uncomfortable position to retrieve them.
Step Four: Believe in your inner-drummer
Let’s use this youtube video as an analogy. The lead singer is this person you miss and the drummer is your future. At first, sadness is loudest voice at the center of the stage, leading the show, detailing all your dashed hopes and dreams. But then, there's the drummer. Nuf said.
(Side note: this is actually an animated gif which you can view in a browser HERE.)
Step Five: The Over / Under Principal
To ease the pain of getting over someone, many people (including me) suggest getting under someone else. NOTE: under somebody else is the key here. I can’t tell you how many queers I know (including me) who misapply this rule. If you do mismanage this principal, please start again from step one.