I Was a Giant Vagina

Being a giant vagina is exactly how you’d imagine: hot, wet, sticky and everyone wants a piece of you. It was the Gay Pride Parade and I was walking with Chicago Women’s Health Center who, of course, had a giant vagina costume on hand. Technically, it was a vulva, as several of CWHC’s Health Workers gently reminded me. But “giant vulva” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.<!--break-->

It was about 90 degrees and one of those muggy Chicago summer days where the sun is so relentless you can feel your skin cooking. The costume was huge, about 5’2”, and made of felt. It was quite an accurate depiction of a vulva: light and dark pink felt forming the outer and inner lips, respectively; thick dark brown yarn framing the entire perimeter representing the pubes; and a circle cut out for my face, creating the star of the vagina, the clitoris.

I was the first to volunteer to be the vagina; it seemed much more exciting than the matching t-shirts worn by everyone else in our contingent. I should explain that I am what some may call an attention hog. I crave the spotlight, so much so that I conveniently forgot about my history of suffering heat strokes to be the center of attention. My knowledge of Pride parades told me that the sexier, the better. And really, what’s sexier than a giant vagina?

If you’ve ever been to a Pride parade, you know there are a lot of things being flashed, but vaginas are not one of them. Shirtless muscle boys dance to house music blaring from enormous floats and double-decker buses. Hot pants thrusting to the beats leave little to the imagination. It’s basically all about the penis. They might not have known it, but they were majorly missing some vaginal representation.

As we approached the crowd, I watched each person’s facial expression contort as they began the process of figuring out what I was supposed to be. This phase was followed by whispers to their friends accompanied by looks up and down. Eventually, the light bulb lit above their heads as they mouthed, “Is that a…?”

I held both arms in the air, opened my mouth wide and took the stance of a rocker on stage. I shouted, “I’M A VAGINA!” and the crowd