I Will Always Love You

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I Will Always Love You

Will I always love you? I'm built that way but if you fight me hard enough, I might eventually surrender and stop caring.

What is my love? Is it merely my need for you? Do I need to need you in order to love? Do I purposefully place myself in positions of distress, aka tempt Fate, so that you can rescue me? When you realize what I've tricked you into, are you contemptuous or do you enjoy the role of protectress? do you try to get me to grow up, or do you indulge and infantilize me?

I'm a Romantic, I've been told. I'm not sure what that means or what they mean when they say it, other than they're not. I love Keats. Does that make me a Romantic? His "Ode to Melancholy" (1884) is the best heartbreak advice in the Western tradition: when you're unhappy, don't shut down, glut thy sorrow on a morning rose, or feed deep, deep upon your girlfriend's peerless eyes.

Keats isn't sappy, he's mystic. He knows, he feels, he suffers, he celebrates the closeness of pleasure to pain, communion to absence. For the latter, you must read "Ode to a Nightingale" (1884) again. I first read him in my high school library, age 15, and I tell you, these poems increase in value with age. They go right to the heart, exquisitely. They make language look good.

Am I in the same league with John Keats? Or is my so-called Romanticism merely a shield for an inability to take care of myself based in an even deeper layer of self-loathing that needs you to reassure me I'm less than one hundred percent despicable, at least part of the time? Keats yearns, he cherishes, he measures the distance from Beauty to hard reality. He's no dope.

Maybe being born in Southern California, taken at a tender age to Disneyland, raised by a bohemian mother under the spell of Hollywood, rendered me insensible to hard reality. Maybe my Romanticism's a distraction that prevents me from living my life; Keats my high-art drug of choice. Drenched in fantasy, I can't see you as you are, so no relationship is possible. You're fodder for my dreams.

lindssam

Lindsay Lohan merges with Samathan Ronson, May 2008.

At least I'm not alone in my failure to love. Lindsay Lohan has been making a fool of herself over that little rodent Samantha Ronson. Every time I see a picture of the two of them together my mouth drops open in disbelief. Girls will fall in love with anything! I'm appalled for La Lohan, who's such a talented comedienne and may be on her way to becoming a dramatic actress if she keeps this up, but she needs to flush this weasel out of her system and get herself some acting work, preferably onstage. The stage could cure her via its strange mix of discipline and demons plus repertoire, because the tripe she gets cast in in Hollywood would drive anyone of any sensibility mad.

We could both take a lesson from Dolly Parton, who might sing about love but puts work first. The Tennessee nightingale's about to open her first Broadway musical, based on the 1980 film 9 to 5, about three women who hogtie their "sexist, egotistical, lyin', hypocritical bigot of a boss" in feminist-fueled fury. For the occasion, Dolly has been brilliantly profiled by Jesse Green in New York magazine.

Miss Dolly Parton sings the title of this blog, 1974.



Comments [233]

Xanadu's picture

Yes and the song was

Yes and the song was co-written with Dallas Austin (a guy) ...

Erin - there's an interview with Sam on YouTube, where she talks about big celebrities who come up to her at parties/clubs and ask her to play their song ... and how that makes her feel.

I believe she said it gives her "idiot shivers" (for them) ... it's quite humorous.

Erin Blackwell's picture

yes i saw that. she's

yes i saw that. she's obsessed with appearance and "cool" (a concept downgraded to mean essentially, conventionally acceptable, conformist, fashionable)

Xanadu's picture

Only a lesbian would say

Only a lesbian would say Samantha Ronson is "obsessed with appearance and cool" ... I'm sure that's a first for Sam. Society claims otherwise ...

I couldn't agree with Sam more, when she said in that interview "Bikini tops are not a shirt" (regarding girls who wear bikini tops to a club) ...

"Conformist, fashionable" ... admittedly, I have never been to LA, but I'm thinking Samantha is not the norm (in terms of beauty or fashion).

Celesbian's should not be excluded from criticism, but I still don't understand why you are trashing a sister ... when she's only played some music and loved on Lindsay Lohan?

Erin Blackwell's picture

:roll: futile but possibly

:roll: futile but possibly accurate :roll:

Not2Taem's picture

Erin below, I like the

Erin below,
I like the pinball analogy, even if a bit futilistic.

Erin Blackwell's picture

however, schema are my way

however, schema are my way into finding similarities where initially i see none. i think i think a zigzag line, contradicting myself, like a pinball, getting it wrong, ding! getting it wrong again, ding! ding! i never get it right, i just stop when i'm so dazed'n'confused the flippers can't send me back into action and i fall down the hole

Erin Blackwell's picture

mystique :mrgreen: you're so

mystique

:mrgreen: you're so right! :mrgreen:

mysticsmb's picture

Erin, yes it's getting

Erin, yes it's getting awfully cramped in here...

Believe me, I share the fascination in all things relationship. but the more i observe, ponder, live them myself, the more I become convinced that what lies outside the schema is the really important and interesting stuff.

Erin Blackwell's picture

mystic person i'm getting

mystic person

i'm getting annoyed with these cuffing boxes!

whatever the light is, i find my way to it invariably through the dark.

i'm fascinated by relationships, why they work, why they don't. lives are private but schema aren't. should we all pretend we don't generally all do the same thing, only variations?

the impulse to not speak, not question, not hypothesize, has gotten us exactly where?

am i cynical or vaguely aware what drives people who aim to be billionaires?

mysticsmb's picture

For Erin below: I'm pretty

For Erin below:

I'm pretty much with you to until the last cynical trope: that others feel a need to posit why two people, unknown to them, are together, or thus why they part, bespeaks a carelessness that perpetuates today's misanthropic culture.

C'mon back into the light, Erin!

Not2Taem's picture

For Erin, down there When I

For Erin, down there

When I find a pair of cute tennies that really fit my funky little feet I buy 2, too. If they have 2 pair in my size. Of course, that happens so infrequently that even without the restrictions of tiny box living arrangements I could never amass 100's. Its not that I want to be able to rub people's noses in my incredible cuteness; I just know/hope they are going to wear out before I do and want to be able keep on loving them.

Erin Blackwell's picture

hmmm how do i explain? she's

hmmm how do i explain? she's got 100s of pairs of sneakers in her closet, the most expensive, $800. she buys two pair, so when everyone else's of that particular style are worn-out, she can pull out the new crisp ones. it's a fashion game. there's nothing wrong with it, except narcissistic personality disorder, but there's also nothing wrong with seeing it and saying it.

there's society and society. sam's very successful in her chosen society and very driven to succeed. LL was a useful prop who's outworn her usefulness.

Erin Blackwell's picture

i like this one better, it's

i like this one better, it's Romantic

WORSE THAN CIGARETTES
Samantha Ronson

The truth about too much sun is you might have too much fun,
The truth about every drugs is that its a form of medication
The truth about chocolate is too much can make you sick
Shame about being used when I don't get enough I'm screwed
I want to stop, and then still...
I won't give up, and then still...
I find its not enough, and then still...
This addictions too much i should know because,
I'm still hoping I haven't put it down just yet,
I'm still choking coz see now after being near you is worse than cigarettes for me.
The truth about telling lies is you might get hurt sometime
The truth about vodka is it's all good in moderation,
The truth about New York is there's nowhere else to live
The shame about a new first kiss is you're always in my dreams.

Xanadu's picture

Thanks LB.

Thanks LB.

lmz's picture

"i can't see you as you are"

"i can't see you as you are" i don't want you, beloved one, to be just a piece of this poor reality, that is to say i don't want me to be just a piece of this poor reality.
when i was fifteen, one of my teacher told me "hey L..... (my name) your unbridied romanticism will play tricks to you" he was right and i was right.

lmz's picture

read "unbridled" (poor

read "unbridled" (poor reality : i have to change my glasses)

Fastgurrrl's picture

Erin, I really enjoy reading

Erin, I really enjoy reading your thoughts. Glad you like to share them. Smile

lucia_2008's picture

Well said Erin.

Well said Erin.

Smile...life is good!!!

LongBeachDogLover's picture

"The stage could cure her via

"The stage could cure her via its strange mix of discipline and demons plus repertoire, because the tripe she gets cast in in Hollywood would drive anyone of any sensibility mad."

Erin, you may be right about Lindsay Lohan. The stage may be just the place she needs to plant her immature ass, and grow-up.

Of course, that means she would have to show up to work on time, be disciplined, sober, stop complaining about working long hours, learn to follow direction without throwing a fit, quit being a fucking spoiled brat, and understand that she's not the queen bee, and perhaps even respect the actors that she works with.

Maybe that's just what she needs....

cameo's picture

"Am I in the same league with

"Am I in the same league with John Keats?" "They go right to the heart, exquisitely." "[H]e celebrates the closeness of pleasure to pain, communion to absence." "Keats yearns, he cherishes, he measures the distance from Beauty to hard reality."

As I understand it, you describe Keats as essentially being immersed in the thing he writes. He is. To be like Keats you must live life boldly walking through the thing about which you write without any regrets and without fear of failure. If you write about love you must dive head first into love without pretense and without concern for the consequences bcs ultimately the consequences may become the thing you write about. Here's what Keats himself said about the creative process:

"That which is creative must create itself -- In Endymion, I leaped headlong into the Sea, and thereby have become better acquainted with the Soundings, the quicksands, and the rocks, than if I had stayed upon the green short, and piped a silly pipe, and took tea and comfortable advice. -- I was never afraid of failure; for I would sooner fail than not to be among the greatest."
Keats, Letters, volume 1 (letter to J.A. Hessey; October 8, 1818) p. 374.

cameo's picture

BTW: In my eyes you do an

BTW: In my eyes you do an excellent job painstakingly describing the dilemma you have intimately lived. I do think you are more like Keats than you know or will admit. However, while you are able to beautifully lay your heart out on your sleeve in such a vulnerable, real, vivid and concise manner, Keats' works are all quite short of concision. I don't know if that is a virtue or a curse.

cameo's picture

Oh BTW Part II: Just sharing

Oh BTW Part II: Just sharing a piece of trivia: I bought a replacement book on amazon. I missed the grandmother. Valediction: Same as before, Cameo.

yonks's picture

Erin, i know you'r a

Erin, i know you'r a sensitive butch, thats a part of your particular charm. Your wise mix of one dose of perversion, two doses of romanticism is a true delight for "fin connaisseurs". I think i'm jealous.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

yonks's picture

I have to go now, have a nice

I have to go now, have a nice day every body.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

mysticsmb's picture

Ronson a rodent AND weasel?

Ronson a rodent AND weasel? Tell us how you really feel Erin!

p.s. if Keats is mystic, who the hell am I?

minniesota's picture

Why, Erin, I don't see you as

Why, Erin, I don't see you as a failure in love. You've obviously loved and others have loved you. That's a success!

Keats is wonderful, by the way. So is Dolly Parton.

Still searching for the right brainy quote.

yonks's picture

Yea, peoples always complain,

Yea, peoples always complain, when they miss a diner, they said they are starving but to experienced famine is all another story.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

minniesota's picture

Yonks, you are so wise!

Yonks, you are so wise!

Still searching for the right brainy quote.

mysticsmb's picture

Yonks, you do have a (smart)

Yonks, you do have a (smart) way with your analogies. They make me Smile

yonks's picture

In fact, i use them because i

In fact, i use them because i suck in english, so its an easy way to tel what i want.
I'm like a fly, in french, i can easily go were i want, in english, i feel like i'm jammed in a molasses drop. I can put tons of efforts to reach my point, it just bury me deeper.
But i'm so attract by the sweet, i can't avoid to get glued.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

Not2Taem's picture

Dear Pepe, you are the sweet.

Dear Pepe, you are the sweet. Laughing out loud

Grace Moon's picture

well put. yeah i think Erin

well put.

yeah i think Erin eats daily.

tweet tweet @gracemoon

yonks's picture

The main is whats on the menu

The main is whats on the menu

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-