I Will Always Love You

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I Will Always Love You

Will I always love you? I'm built that way but if you fight me hard enough, I might eventually surrender and stop caring.

What is my love? Is it merely my need for you? Do I need to need you in order to love? Do I purposefully place myself in positions of distress, aka tempt Fate, so that you can rescue me? When you realize what I've tricked you into, are you contemptuous or do you enjoy the role of protectress? do you try to get me to grow up, or do you indulge and infantilize me?

I'm a Romantic, I've been told. I'm not sure what that means or what they mean when they say it, other than they're not. I love Keats. Does that make me a Romantic? His "Ode to Melancholy" (1884) is the best heartbreak advice in the Western tradition: when you're unhappy, don't shut down, glut thy sorrow on a morning rose, or feed deep, deep upon your girlfriend's peerless eyes.

Keats isn't sappy, he's mystic. He knows, he feels, he suffers, he celebrates the closeness of pleasure to pain, communion to absence. For the latter, you must read "Ode to a Nightingale" (1884) again. I first read him in my high school library, age 15, and I tell you, these poems increase in value with age. They go right to the heart, exquisitely. They make language look good.

Am I in the same league with John Keats? Or is my so-called Romanticism merely a shield for an inability to take care of myself based in an even deeper layer of self-loathing that needs you to reassure me I'm less than one hundred percent despicable, at least part of the time? Keats yearns, he cherishes, he measures the distance from Beauty to hard reality. He's no dope.

Maybe being born in Southern California, taken at a tender age to Disneyland, raised by a bohemian mother under the spell of Hollywood, rendered me insensible to hard reality. Maybe my Romanticism's a distraction that prevents me from living my life; Keats my high-art drug of choice. Drenched in fantasy, I can't see you as you are, so no relationship is possible. You're fodder for my dreams.

lindssam

Lindsay Lohan merges with Samathan Ronson, May 2008.

At least I'm not alone in my failure to love. Lindsay Lohan has been making a fool of herself over that little rodent Samantha Ronson. Every time I see a picture of the two of them together my mouth drops open in disbelief. Girls will fall in love with anything! I'm appalled for La Lohan, who's such a talented comedienne and may be on her way to becoming a dramatic actress if she keeps this up, but she needs to flush this weasel out of her system and get herself some acting work, preferably onstage. The stage could cure her via its strange mix of discipline and demons plus repertoire, because the tripe she gets cast in in Hollywood would drive anyone of any sensibility mad.

We could both take a lesson from Dolly Parton, who might sing about love but puts work first. The Tennessee nightingale's about to open her first Broadway musical, based on the 1980 film 9 to 5, about three women who hogtie their "sexist, egotistical, lyin', hypocritical bigot of a boss" in feminist-fueled fury. For the occasion, Dolly has been brilliantly profiled by Jesse Green in New York magazine.

Miss Dolly Parton sings the title of this blog, 1974.



Comments [233]

lmz's picture

je me méfie des métaphores

je me méfie des métaphores mais ...

Erin Blackwell's picture

:roll: you mean it's a

:roll: you mean it's a metaphor for all of *us* ? :roll:

lmz's picture

a subject who can't see

a subject who can't see anything around her. She just needs a girl not a this awful watching machine.

Erin Blackwell's picture

oh of course i was thrown off

oh of course i was thrown off by the subdued femme vibe of the research assistant or maybe she's the "human guinea pig" who gets whiplash from accidentally trying to follow the movement with her spinal column

but she's the *subject* in the photo *not* the object

i hope the nsa's able to follow all this

Not2Taem's picture

I'm pretty sure your girl and

I'm pretty sure your girl and your lingerie are both included in whatever is going on behind the visor. My scenario includes the girl, but not in lingerie. Wink

Erin Blackwell's picture

i'm more worried about her

i'm more worried about her eyes, actually. what would the girl next to her be doing?

lmz's picture

i'm worried about her brain

i'm worried about her brain and some girl next to her would help

Erin Blackwell's picture

i'm worried about her posture

i'm worried about her posture and some lingerie would help

lmz's picture

http://static.howstuffworks.c

lmz's picture

"so many layers of

"so many layers of ourselves"
"i think i think a zigzag line, contradicting myself, like a pinball"

...you gonna miss the mass Smile

Erin Blackwell's picture

:razz: it's not mass it's

:razz: it's not mass it's dithering sans incense yeah i missed it :razz:

it's raining, i'm out of gas, i didn't like the song we had to sing... besides, i'm :twisted: possibly Evil

Not2Taem's picture

:cool:

Cool

Erin Blackwell's picture

i've been afraid to love at

i've been afraid to love at all, for fear of exposing myself to ridicule, which my family was so good at.

i thought i'd gotten past that, by loving ridiculously, but as i try to say in the blog, that was exposed as a pose.

i think "knowing exactly what's fucking you up" is a delusion, the bonds of which can be dissolved.

Not2Taem's picture

There are so many layers of

There are so many layers of ourselves. Just when we think we have found and analyzed them all, another is revealed or develops. Really, all we can do is keep exploring. Keep hoping for a healthier, braver, more real self.

lmz's picture

Erin ça

Erin Blackwell's picture

8O

8O

Not2Taem's picture

Found

Found it!

http://www.velvetparkmedia.com/2008/12/06/editors-letter-the-plan-120608...

Emoticons be here, matie!

No geek, though.

Erin Blackwell's picture

i just went trawling but not

i just went trawling but not knowing what to look for found Ø

i think emoticons are worse than cigarettes for me

it's been a pleasure to'n'froing with you but i'll bid you now adieu

Not2Taem's picture

Erin, Back when the week and

Erin,

Back when the week and weary migrated here from OC, Grace posted a short sheet for the emoticons. I can't find my way back to it now. It may have gone when a bunch of stuff got lost, or maybe I'm just navigationally impaired. I saved it as an image, but there is no way to post a picture here and no way that I can find to put an attachment in the PM.

Maybe Grace will post it again.

Erin Blackwell's picture

:oops: hate to keep a lady

:oops: hate to keep a lady waiting... however... :mrgreen: this could take a while... :mrgreen: i'm allergic to html :oops:

it's like cave painting only not as charming

Not2Taem's picture

Erin, I have had no luck at

Erin, I have had no luck at all with either geek or uber geek (with the cute little soul patch}. If you figure it out, let me know.

Hmm... one more try

:> (greater than)

Erin Blackwell's picture

:mrgreen: o mystik one

:mrgreen: o mystik one :mrgreen:
:oops: i feel your virtual pain :oops:

mysticsmb's picture

Drat!

Drat!

mysticsmb's picture

for Erin: maybe :ugeek: ?

for Erin:

maybe :ugeek: ?

lmz's picture

it's sunday evening (8:00 PM)

it's sunday evening (8:00 PM) and you're right i have better thing to do : i have a rhum. CHEERS !
(i'm not a geek at all, you should ask Minnie or Taem or Cris or Tami)

Erin Blackwell's picture

oh come on! :GEEK: for

oh come on! :GEEK: for crissakes :GEEK:

Erin Blackwell's picture

:geek: lmz you live in paris

:geek: lmz you live in paris well just outside paris you *must* have better things to do. whereas i, well i live where i live but have nothing better to do :geek:

lmz's picture

i don't know i'm trying to

i don't know i'm trying to find one for you

Erin Blackwell's picture

d'accord, merci, mais comment

d'accord, merci, mais comment le manifester ici + maintenant, instante... instantanemment... what a weird way to spell a word :mcgreen:

Erin Blackwell's picture

:lol: but the wrinkles are

Laughing out loud but the wrinkles are crowding everything out Shock there's no going back :confused: the future is bleak Laughing out loud

Not2Taem's picture

:lol: anti-emoticon and beret

Laughing out loud anti-emoticon and beret Laughing out loud

Erin Blackwell's picture

there needs to be an

there needs to be an anti-emoticon, with a red line diagonally over it: interdit!

and an emoticon with a beret

Erin Blackwell's picture

:? unless you're really

:? unless you're really confused :?

hey there ought to be an upside-down confused for spanish speakers

Not2Taem's picture

Will colon question mark do

Will colon question mark do for confused?
:?

Sometimes you need to use the words, and sometimes the symbols.

Erin Blackwell's picture

i consider it a public

i consider it a public service to close off the deepest part of my soul :twisted:

i believe the word you're looking for is passive aggressive, double bind, bait'n'switch

taem, have you ever had your heart broken by someone who seemed to want your love but turned out to be incapable of following through on what they themselves started?

Not2Taem's picture

Yup!! Makes putting yourself

Yup!! Makes putting yourself out there pretty damn hard, doesn't it? Worst part is, you know exactly what's fucking you up, and there isn't a damn thing you can do to get past it. Even when you have come to the point where you don't even want the person anymore.

History; no mystery! Evil

lmz's picture

from time to time, i meet

from time to time, i meet this "chimp" and maybe i'm not patient enough or maybe i'm still that "chimp" myself

Erin Blackwell's picture

:mrgreen: :envious: :mrgreen:

:mrgreen: :envious: :mrgreen:

Not2Taem's picture

My google mail has a chimp

My google mail has a chimp emoticon, but it won't post here.

yonks's picture

To Erin :mad: I'm not a

To Erin :mad: I'm not a chimps, i'm a skunk!

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

lmz's picture

Erin yes, possibly but anyway

Erin
yes, possibly but anyway you'd better sleep (it's very late in SF). sweet dreams.

Erin Blackwell's picture

:eek: maybe we're all chimps!

:eek: maybe we're all chimps! :eek:

i wish the emoticons were chimps now

Erin Blackwell's picture

"Worst part is, you know

"Worst part is, you know exactly what’s fucking you up, and there isn’t a damn thing you can do to get past it."

you mean you think you know what's wrong with you? not that there is anything wrong with you. but if so, why is there nothing you can do to get past it?

Shock mystified Shock

Erin Blackwell's picture

taem i think i might

taem

i think i might understand.

Not2Taem's picture

Hmm...? Do you know that

Hmm...? Do you know that horrendous experiment they did with the chimps where every time they touched the food they got a shock? Gratification = pain. Eventually they took away the shock, but a certain percentage of the group still would not eat, even though they were starving.

So one day the "chimp" meets this really fine person who is genuine and patient and incredibly hot. What's more, she is totally into the chimp. All she wants if for the chimp to reach out and take her, without being afraid of that shock.

Xanadu's picture

GIRL FIGHT!! :lol:

GIRL FIGHT!! Laughing out loud

yonks's picture

Quote pepe le pew: make war

Quote pepe le pew: make war is fine but make love is better.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

Erin Blackwell's picture

write *that* lyric :twisted:

write *that* lyric :twisted:

mysticsmb's picture

Ah, but Erin, songwriters,

Ah, but Erin, songwriters, just like novelists, poets and dramatists, create characters. The 'I' or 'me' in the song ain't necessarily the writer...

Erin Blackwell's picture

that's why i say "i

that's why i say "i take"
cole porter uses characters, too, but he still expresses himself. as flaubert said, "Mme Bovary, c'est moi!"