F.I.L.F.!

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I don’t know a ton of other femmes, but the ones I do know all seem to have one thing in common: they’re really only attracted to butches. Case in point? I was listening to The Diana Cage Show the other night, and your favorite radio show host and mine was talking to Margaret Cho about this. While extolling their mutual love of butches, both ladies agreed that they just couldn’t see themselves ever getting down with a girly-girl. Cage even quipped that, for her, such a thing seemed to fly in the face of “God and nature.”

More... I heard her say that and thought it was pretty effing funny (oh, ironies!), but also, for the briefest of moments, it made me feel a little insecure about the way in which I identify as a femme. Of course, that soon gave way to thinking, “Hmm. Femme-on-femme, ‘against God and nature’? All forbidden and stuff? Hot!”

I do identify as femme -- although I’m more on the chapstick end of the scale than the glamour puss, high femme side -- and don’t get me wrong, I love me some butches! Every serious girlfriend I’ve ever had has been butch. My girlfriend now is butch. But I’ve also had lovers who were femme, and to this day, while I prefer my relationships to be with butches, I’m prone to developing schoolgirl crushes on femmes. A decent (okay, indecent) portion of my fantasy life revolves around that dynamic. I can’t help it. Femmes are sexy! (Especially bitchy, bossy ones; I’m an equal opportunity sub slut, what can I say?)

Left to my own devices, I’m cool with my femme-lusting-after proclivities, but sometimes, I can’t help but feel like the odd femme out, like my attraction to other femmes really is sort of scandalous and sordid, and does in fact fly in the face of God and nature. I realize logically that that is dumb. But there you have it. And I’m pretty sure it’s because all of the femmes I know totally feel like it’s weird to be attracted to other femmes. It makes me feel weird.

Plus, there are also times when I feel like a walking, talking, bad stereotype. You know, like women who have boyfriends and who only occasionally make out with other girls at parties? Having a boifriend… Occasionally feeling an urge to kiss the pretty girls… Lately I totally feel like a butch/femme dynamic, trendy pseudo-bisexual. Yeah. Embarrassing.

So what I’d really like to know? I can’t be the only self-identified, butch-loving femme who occasionally finds myself panting after another femme… can I? Come on, ladies. “Fess up.

And even if I’m not the only one, which surely I can’t be, what do I do with that desire? I mean, I’m monogamous, by choice and by nature. I accept that I’m just not cut out for polyamorous loving. And I do genuinely prefer relationships with butches. So where in my life is there room to express my FILF-ier sensibilities? I think I may have actually found a solution to this quandary: I have taken to writing femme-on-femme erotica. From the safety and security of a dirty story, I can explore and play (Mommy’s girl, anyone?) without any messy emotional consequences. Heck, I might even get a published smutty story or two out of the deal.

Meanwhile, I will continue to feel a little scandalous, a little sordid, and a little like my FILF lust flies in the face of God and nature. And frankly? That really does just make it hotter.



Comments [43]

Susana's picture

"I really hate this idea that

"I really hate this idea that it’s somehow “wrong” or unnatural” for feminine lesbians or butch lesbians to be with someone of a similar persuasion. I feel like it just perpetuates this idiotic notion of a male-female dichotomy which must exist in a relationship."

"But I know plenty of femme-femme couples and butch-butch couples. And I feel like this pressure to conform to this gender dichotomy leaves many lesbians confused about their gender identity and expression. Why, when we fight so hard to break free of one system of conformity and oppression, are we promoting a new one?"

-

I feel JUST the same.
Couldn't agree more.

Dana's picture

I really hate this idea that

I really hate this idea that it's somehow "wrong" or unnatural" for feminine lesbians or butch lesbians to be with someone of a similar persuasion. I feel like it just perpetuates this idiotic notion of a male-female dichotomy which must exist in a relationship.

The whole idea of labeling is too restrictive for me. I guess people would call me a femme but I'm not terribly feminine except for the fact that my hair is shoulder length and I wear girls clothes. Chapstick femme I guess. I have been attracted to butch and femme girls. I guess you would call the girls I tend to date "butch" but they really arent. My gf calls herself a "tweener" meaning not really either. She has short hair and wears guys jeans occasionally but thats about the extent of her butchness really. I'm the one who has to get rid of spiders, bugs, and anything else that grosses her out (I just laugh, bugs dont bother me at all). Girls who are too butch or too masculine are a turn off. So are girls who are super girly-girl. I find myself more attracted to the personality type I associate with butch girls. The cool, one-of-the-guys, laid-back personality and low-key confidence is what's really attractive, not their masculinity or femininity.

But I know plenty of femme-femme couples and butch-butch couples. And I feel like this pressure to conform to this gender dichotomy leaves many lesbians confused about their gender identity and expression. Why, when we fight so hard to break free of one system of conformity and oppression, are we promoting a new one?

annemarlen's picture

Hi Julia, it's me, waiting

Hi Julia, it's me, waiting for your stories. :?

love is a pebble laughing in the sun

lmz's picture

oneself consciousness, that's

oneself consciousness, that's a big deal !

Rusty's picture

Too damn funny, T. I got the

Too damn funny, T.
I got the email with the comment, but not who said it. I can't think of a moniker attached to that comment that would have made me laugh harder. Thanks.

"When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will." ~ Pollyanna

Caramelteddy's picture

Way to crush my fragile

Way to crush my fragile heart, Rusty...sigh..oh, well...I suppose it can never be....It's just as well because bilf sounds like something you do after too much tequila.

Caramelteddy's picture

Hi Honey :) Seems like in

Hi Honey Smile

Seems like in cases of sexuality, religious belief, political viewpoint, and spirituality, we can never feel comfy and secure. There is always someone, or a group of someones, who criticize or look down on the beliefs of other people simply because they do not feel the same way.

You identify as butch and your told that you are hurting the lesbian cause by perpetuating a stereotype. You identify as femme and you are told that you can't reeeaaallly be gay because you look "straight." In a butch/femme relationship you are told that you are mimicking heterosexuality. In a femme/femme relationship, you are told that you are just catering to the mainstream hetero male fantasy of an unrealistic lesbian coupling. Identify as anything in particular and you are scoffed at for so called labeling yourself. Express that you do not want a label and you are treated to lectures on the difference between a label and an identity.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm the first to reply to something with which I disagree using phrases like, "what? that's bullshit." But I try really hard to respect other folks' ideals and beliefs and such. So, you go ahead and have your dirty, dirty femme on femme hot steamy lustarific fantasies. And give the naysayers a finger (or two). And then pretend that you've been bad so we can...woops...i digress (wink,wink,nudge,nudge).

yonks's picture

The question is: would you

The question is: would you love to read tomboy on tomboy erotica?

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

Joanne-1974's picture

I can appreciate a fellow

I can appreciate a fellow femme's charms - but I could never be with one ... it just seems weird.

I'm definitely more drawn to boyish androgynous types.

I think it's that 'opposites attract' thing ... I don't want to be with someone where it's like looking in the mirror!

My friends have all been outgoing types, because I'm not particularly outgoing ... and my best bud (who is straight as a line) has NEVER owned a lipstick ... she sits back in wonder and amusement as I straighten my hair and do my makeup!

Basically I like someone who can just jump out of the shower - put on jeans and a t-shirt and look totally sexy! ... whether they be boyish or girly (or both) on the inside.

Fastgurrrl's picture

Btfan2, I love ya and I'm so

Btfan2, I love ya and I'm so glad you are over here! In a respectful, platonic sense, of course. Wink

yonks's picture

i mean labels are weird

i mean labels are weird

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

yonks's picture

labels a weird, they run away

labels a weird, they run away when you try to fit in and they bites you when you turn your back. I'v met a woman on internet, she said that she don't care about labels and she don't fit in any, but when i met her, she was a total butch.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

yonks's picture

You'v got a good point.

You'v got a good point.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

Dornac's picture

Maybe we're bisexual,

Maybe we're bisexual, yes.
Perhaps sometimes lesbian bisexual.
Hmm.

Dornac's picture

I meant when they naked.

I meant when they naked.

Dornac's picture

Anyway, some butches are much

Anyway, some butches are much more feminine when they are nude than some femme.
So...

btfan2's picture

Wow this is such a neat blog.

Wow this is such a neat blog. I'm a tomboy -sissy butch - sorta maybe shit - I'm not sure anymore. As someone else posted I fucking love women. I also love the fact that labels are not all that important anymore.

I've had relationships with very femme and very butch women. There's usually just someting about the person that turns me on. I've noticed it's usually their brain and that shallow part of me that digs good looking women. I'm sure good looking is different for all of us. My girl friend is hot - as in walk down the street and people turn and stare hot, no shit!! But; thats not the big attraction (oh some of it you betcha) she is Rachel Madow smart, Jennifer beals smart, Jodie Foster smart.

I'm a little more boyish then she, a little more assertive, but as I'm told by my friends I'm pussy whipped. Go figure!!

I never spend any time trying to figure it out. It works for us. In this crazy fucked up world there are just some things I'd prefer to let be.

lmz's picture

labels ... butches, femmes,

labels ...
butches, femmes, between the two
i don't kow and i don"t care i love girls

yonks's picture

well, i tried to keep

well, i tried to keep interest on butch awake, what we'r gona do if they finally realize they don't need us Sad

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

Julia Watson's picture

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Rusty,

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Rusty, you're awesome.

Rusty's picture

I tried, Julia. Really I did.

I tried, Julia. Really I did. In the interest of fair play, I tried to entertain the idea of sex with another butch. No go. I even watched an episode of Rachel Maddow I had Tivo'd since she is apparently swoon worthy. Nuthin. Not a BILF- sensibility to be found.

"When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will." ~ Pollyanna

Fastgurrrl's picture

Ummm, yonks, you had nice way

Ummm, yonks, you had nice way of putting that. Smile

Fastgurrrl's picture

Well, LBDL, coming from you

Well, LBDL, coming from you that means a lot, thanks! Cool

yonks's picture

i feel the same, i used to be

i feel the same, i used to be very butchy and attracted by femme but now i'm more tempered i still don't wear skirt (except for the Scottish tartan who suit well with my hairy legs )
And now, i find it's like a major turn on to see a butch with boyish attitude and imagine she have a woman body under the mens clothes, such as a blue work outfit that you just have to unzip to reach the sweet and soft.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

LongBeachDogLover's picture

You're a tomboy, and you're

You're a tomboy, and you're adorable.....

Wink

LongBeachDogLover's picture

Julia, your feelings are a

Julia, your feelings are a perfect reflection of who you are... Open, honest, strong and empowering. Love is beautiful, in all it's fabulous flavors.

You amaze me. Laughing out loud

Live in Peace...
Love in Abundance...
LBDL
xxoo

LongBeachDogLover's picture

Fastgurrrl, I would like to

Fastgurrrl, I would like to take a moment to say..............

******** GIRLFRIEND, YOU - FUCKING - ROCK !! *******

Never say never.... Wink

LBDL
xxoo

Hill's picture

As another chapstick lesbian,

As another chapstick lesbian, pretty much every woman I've dated, etc. has been at least as feminine as myself, if not more so. However, I tend to have similar school girl crushes on butcher women. It's definitely an interesting dynamic. I also agree with Robin and think that the butch-femme dichotomy is a bit too limiting in terms of what I look for and at this point I'm just open to a variety of possibilities.

Fastgurrrl's picture

J-dub, good morning. :) LOVE

J-dub, good morning. Smile LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE, OMG. Smile

I always liked very femme girls/women, particularly that were smaller than me. I am femme mixed with tomboy, or whatever the hell you call it! Over the last several years I started ALSO becoming attracted to women that are bigger than me, and I was not expecting to dig on women more tomboyish, or butch, than me. I have met/seen some women that have short/cool hairstyles with a pretty or handsome or androgynous face (I love some good face, haaaaaaaa!) with a more built body, omg, I think that's so hot! I never seem to fit in most of these boxes out there...well, I have fit real good into some of them. Wink

annemarlen's picture

Hey Julia, I like your

Hey Julia, I like your charming steps outside of any box.

love is a pebble laughing in the sun

Steph H's picture

Like what you say LBDL! I

Like what you say LBDL!
I don't know how I see myself really - look wises I guess I err towards butch but my approach to life is probably between the two.
All I know is that chicks rock.

AngieInChi's picture

Same here, I'm mostly

Same here, I'm mostly chapstick sometimes lipgloss femme. I'm weak at the knees for bois, androgynistic and butch lesbians. Dominating, strong femmes are attractive but I mostly have crushes or admire them. I'm open to new experiences, though.

Would love to read your work! Hope you publish it.

Lake's picture

LBDL..........That was

LBDL..........That was awesome! Thank you! Wink

Another woman who is who she is........

Lake

LongBeachDogLover's picture

Julia , I used to label

Julia , I used to label myself. Although I do 'identify' as femme, I have set labels to the side. I have fallen in love with someone who is "label-less", it definately can change a girls attitude about... 'boxes'. I have always been a femme, who has been attracted to femmes........ what do you do when your girl is 'undefinable' ?? Well, you make love day and night, you share your heart, you laugh, you cry, you share your soul.... and, you take that big bow off of the box that used to define you, and you breathe !!!

What more can I say... I am through defining love, or attraction, in terms that have limits. I just am who I am, and my girl fits....... Wink

Live in Peace....
Love in Abundance....
LBDL
xxoo

minniesota's picture

I'm a tomboy, who would love

I'm a tomboy, who would love to read your femme on femme erotica!

Still searching for the right brainy quote.

NCSha25's picture

I know I want to read one of

I know I want to read one of those stories Julia!

Julia Watson's picture

I think we are totally a

I think we are totally a little queerly bisexual. Go us.

Julia Watson's picture

I know where you stand on

I know where you stand on this. And I still say that where you stand on this completely ignores the fact that for some of us, butch and femme are empowering identities that cannot be reduced to being about just looks or labels!

xo

Robin Rigby's picture

You know where I stand on

You know where I stand on this, I think the idea of femme/butch is too hetero-like and we should all just be women who love women. So, go for it. Sexual attraction should be about more than looks or some random label.

Not2Taem's picture

Julia, sweetie you're just

Julia, sweetie you're just very versatile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0tUvAb0bo8&feature=related

Have a real good time, Jules.

Wink Not2Taem

Tex's picture

I 'heart' women! Nothing but

I 'heart' women!

Nothing but love,

Tex

Twitter Time @kdhales

peacekitty's picture

"I can’t help but feel like

"I can’t help but feel like the odd femme out, like my attraction to other femmes really is sort of scandalous and sordid, and does in fact fly in the face of God and nature."

Oh no, not at all! I'm a femme who is attracted to both femme and butch women, probably femme a little more. I know many very femme lesbians who are attracted to other femmes.

I never know when the attraction is going to happen, sometimes they're butch sometimes not. Although I admit if I'm attracted to femme women they are often a little "rough around the edges"...very assertive femmes who wear leather and ride a Harley.

Maybe we're a little bisexual?

p.s. please let me know when you publish some of this stuff so I can get some. Wink

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

A's picture

Hey Julia, You're not alone,

Hey Julia,

You're not alone, I'm a mmm.. mostly chapstick sometimes lipstick femme and I'm attracted to girly girls as well as to other chapstick girls.. mainly on the femmish side than on the butch side.. My gfriends have been on the femme side and i loooooove models.. hahaha.. But more than that I think it depends on the attitude and own style, it's something fluid.. I do know a lot of femmes that like other femmes.. though..